Days clean: 4
Thursday, 4:19pm
I had school today. Nothing really exciting happened. I was supposed to get my school photos today, but I've decided to get them taken on a catch-up day. I went home sick half way through the day. I don't even know what made me feel sick. I have a boyfriend. We've been dating for four days (since Monday). We've only just really started dating, but it's going well so far. He's really nice, caring, affectionate, funny, and a little quiet at times like me.
Sometimes I still miss my ex. We dated for almost three months (which was a record for me since I'm not usually known to date guys for long periods of time), but we broke up the day before our three month anniversary. It hit me hard. I attempted suicide (stabbing). He was also very depressed and he was the only one who I felt really completely understood me. That's why months later I was reluctant to date again. But here I am, starting a fresh with a new guy.
He noticed my cuts... Didn't judge me and decide he didn't want me because I was a cutter, thankfully, instead he asked if I was okay. I mean, I'm not, but I still answered 'Yeah, I'm fine'. Typical. That's what I always say. Or I don't answer at all.
I have homework to do and a huge assignment to start but I haven't started any. I just haven't had the motivation for it.
I went to my councillors appointment yesterday. Mum came in with me and the councillor is working on bettering our relationship. Mum and I fight all the time over anything and everything. It stresses me out and usually results in me cutting.
I still don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore. My head is a mess and I'm constantly fighting a battle against my demons.
I started up smoking again almost two months ago. I haven't had a cigarette in days. I told Mum I smoke occasionally when I'm too stressed out, but really I smoke whenever I can. It helps. If I don't have the guts to kill myself, hopefully eventually the smokes will...
I think if I ever wanted to kill myself I'd overdose on heroine. You don't feel any pain and you fall into a deep sleep, unconsciousness, then death. You're practically feeling your best and then you die peacefully. It's not that hard to get your hands on heroine. Wouldn't be a difficult job.
I'm hoping tomorrow after school I can hangout with my Bestfriend (Brianna) and my boyfriend (Justin). It always helps take stress away. Whelp. Dinners ready. Gotta go.
Peace motherfuckers, 4:35pm
