Alive

I do not know who I am, or why I am here. What I do know is that this place is dark, and cold. I cannot see anything around me. I don't know how I know what darkness even is, but I do. I miss light, though I don't recall ever seeing it. I do not know if I actually exist. I do not know how long I've been here. I cannot believe in anything. I am nothing. I am nothing. I am nothing.

I am lying down on a metallic floor, on my back, staring up at the darkness, the nothingness. I wonder if I am in a closed room. Is there a door, a ceiling, four walls keeping in nothing?

Tentatively I lift my hand off the floor and bring it to my face. It dances across my face, traces my lips, swirls over my chin, my cheeks, my nose, my ears. I am real, I think. I stop when it reaches my eyes and raise my hand just above them. I try to focus my eyes so that I can see anything of my hand, but they've been staring at nothing for I don't know how long. I can't see anything... maybe I really am nothing, or maybe I've been here so long that I've become nothing. It doesn't matter. I am real, I think, but so is nothing.

I leave my hand there. If I am nothing, it will not get tired.

The scariest part of it all is that I am not scared. I don't feel anything. I just am. I am nothing, and nothing just is.

Some time later, my arm begins to ache. I forgot my hand was still suspended over my face, floating in the darkness. Confused, I bring it back down and rest it on my cheek, which relieves the ache. Again, I move my hand, but this time it stops at my mouth. Suddenly, I remember words, noise, sound. I open my mouth and try to formulate any sound at all, but I've been in the quiet so long that my mouth no longer works the way it should.

My hand travels to my throat, where the sound stays. My hand hugs my throat, gently at first, entreating the sound to come out. It won't. My hand hugs tighter. I try to squeeze the sound out, but it refuses to leave the refuge it's found.

It hurts too much. My eyes begin to water. I remove my hand and place it back on the floor. I am fully crying now, and I can't stop. Even as I sob, no sound leaves my throat.

I think I lied when I thought I wasn't scared, because now I am terrified.

I am nothing, I remind myself. Why am I scared?

"Because you are not nothing," a soft voice whispers. It is small, but it is beautiful, like bells ringing. I want more, it sounds so heavenly.

I try to form a response, anything, so that this voice will continue speaking... I can't. I am in hysterics now. I cannot create a simple sound to respond to the voice, to beg it to stay, to not leave me, to keep on whispering sweet little lies in my ears.

"You are not nothing," the voice repeats, stronger this time. It is trying to convince me; it may be succeeding.

I have been nothing for so long, though, at least it feels like it's been a long time. I don't really know, I can't keep track of time in the dark. I have been here for an eternity, a lifetime, a century. Maybe not in the way man defines these words, but in my own mind, I have been here for longer than these things combined.

The darkness lets you travel through time, but it never stops to let you know where you are.

I want to stop. I want to know where I am, I want to see it and feel it and hear it and live it.

But darkness has its appealing side, too. It is all I know. What if light turns out be scarier than the dark? In the dark, I can't see who, or what, I am. I can't see what is around me. In the light, I could see everything. There might be monsters surrounding me, never lurking too far. Or worse, what if I see myself? The voice said I am not nothing, but it didn't say I was something good. Maybe I am the monster. Maybe I am in the dark for a reason. You can never escape who you are, but at least in the darkness, you aren't forced to see yourself.

I am tired. I do not know who I am. I thought I was nothing, but now I am not sure.

I hear a faint beeping noise. I think I am finally going crazy, or maybe I already am. The thought makes me laugh.

Laugh? I just laughed?! I heard it, I swear. A breathy, hiccupy laugh. A laugh that sounds like it hasn't been used in a long while. It makes me laugh more and harder. I really am crazy, I think. But I hear it. I keep hearing it. It is wonderful. It is the first sound I have made in God knows how long I've been here.

I laugh until I can't laugh anymore, I laugh until my stomach aches and my eyes are watering, I laugh until I am gasping for air.

Once my little episode is over and I've caught my breath, I hear the beeping again. It is getting louder, but it is slow and rhythmic, like a heartbeat... I press my hand to my chest, wondering for a split second if I even have a heart and if I do, if it is even beating.

Thu-thump

Thu-thump

Thu-thump

I feel it, my heart dutifully pumping out blood to my veins. I am alive. I am alive. I am alive.

I smile. I leave my hand there, while listening to the steady beeps. There are in sync, I realize, the beeps and my heartbeat. I am hearing my heartbeat. I do not know where the noise is coming from, but I am grateful for it. It reminded me that I am alive, even though I am stuck in the darkness.

I feel strange, lighter in a way. Really light, like I am no longer lying on the floor, but floating. Like I will float away. It's as if I am not really here.

I keep floating, up and up and up. I still cannot see anything.

My heartbeat is getting louder, though, like I'm flying up to meet it. Maybe I am. I hope I am.

All of a sudden, I stop. My head is fuzzy. My body feels too heavy. My mouth is cotton.

The beeping is still there, constant, steady. There are other sounds, too. Faint mumbling. I can't make out any words, though.

It is not completely dark anymore. There is a small crack of light in my vision. It is nothing but whiteness, yet it amazes me. I understand now why I missed it. It is so beautiful it hurts. Physically hurts. My head actually aches, but it is worth it.

The ache eventually fades, and I am eager to let more light in. I have to force my eyelids to open all the way, though they probably knew how much this would hurt me and advised strongly against it.

The light blinds me, but in a way the darkness never had. It hurts, much more than it had before. My head feels likes it's being ripped in half. But it is all so bright. It is beautiful.

I blink a few times, trying to help my poor eyes adjust to something they haven't witnessed in a lifetime. The white begins to fade into other colors, shades of blue and green and softer whites. I had forgotten what color looked like. I had forgotten how perfectly they blur all together and create a masterpiece.

I hear more clearly, the voice saying, "You're awake, you're awake." I recognize the voice; it is the same that spoke to me in the darkness. She sounds relieved, awed, desperate, worn out all at once.

I focus my gaze to her; I realize that I know her, I love her... she loves me, too. Her eyes are teary, but she is smiling. She looks unsure of what to do, torn between standing there or rushing to hold me. She settles by grabbing my hand with a fierceness. It is the first touch from another person I've felt in a long time. It feels good, to be touched by someone who cares about you. I open my mouth to say something, anything, but once again I find that I can't.

She doesn't mind, though. She just shakes her head, smiling the whole time. "You're awake," she repeats. I do my best to smile back at her, but my mouth feels too heavy, so it probably wasn't so much a smile as the slightest curve of my mouth, but it's good enough for her.

Finally my words work the way I want them to. Looking straight into her eyes, I say, "I'm alive."

A tear rolls down her cheek, she leans in and hugs me, as well as she can, because my arms are too heavy to hug her back. It doesn't matter, though. I am happy enough to be held.

"You're alive," she whispers against my hair. I can feel her smile grow bigger.

I'm not sure how long we stayed there, her holding me, but I am sure of one thing-

I'm alive, and I am no longer part of the darkness, I am among the light.