better there than here | ᴶᴴˢ × ᴹᵞᴳ

XVIII

To say he didn't get any more sleep was an understatement. Not only didn't he get any sleep after what happened with Jimin just a few hours ago, but he also got really worked up on the inside as the thoughts and pictures, memories, about sleeping pills and red colored water wouldn't leave his mind. To say he felt restless was also an understatement, he felt haunted and he had to use up all his power in order to keep it down so he wouldn't wake up Yoongi, who was snuggled up to his chest, a smile on his face as he was sleeping peacefully. Throughout the minutes it grew more and more difficult for Hoseok to contain himself and keep a cool mind. He couldn't. And so he felt the urge to jump out of bed and get those stupid pills from wherever Seokjin had hidden them. He would tear the apartment about if he had to, and this feeling frightened him so much. He didn't really understand what was happening to him. He knew he had had an addiction, but he overcome it throughout the last few weeks. The incident with Jimin must have worked him up on the inside even more than he had first thought it would.

Hoseok wrapped his arms tighter around Yoongi, burying his face in the elder's hair and taking deep breathes in. For some odd reason smelling Yoongi had always had some weird effect of soothing him and his mind. He closed his eyes, tightly, forcing himself to think about anything else than the pictures engraved onto his eyelids. However, no matter how much he tried to make the pictures fade away, they would always come back, the urge came back and due to that he only pressed Yoongi closer to his chest, afraid he would lose his grip on reality if he would let go of the elder. Besides the urging feeling inside him there was also the worry about Jimin bubbling up inside him and it didn't help him at all. There must have been a reason why Jimin tried to do something so terribly stupid. Hoseok was sure Jimin would tell him sooner or later, but he just hoped the younger would tell him sooner so he would be able to help him in time before Jimin could do something as dangerous and stupid as he had. Even though he had had a good reason and it felt like his only way out. To be honest, the thought, the want of leaving grew again and he felt like his sanity was slowly slipping away, running through his fingers like sand.

'This time it would be harder.' He suddenly thought and his eyes shot open due to his sudden thought. He blinked a few times before he just needed to look at Yoongi's face to remember himself why he decided to give it all some more time. He brought his right hand to Yoongi's cheek, caressing it with his thumb. He took another deep breathe in, watching Yoongi in his peaceful sleep. He concentrated on Yoongi, and only Yoongi. All thoughts he allowed himself to think about where connected to Yoongi, in a good way. But soon the memories of a time when he had been living in darkness flooded his mind, making it harder by the second to not go crazy. Hoseok simply didn't want those memories in his mind, he had once banished them to the very back of his mind and he couldn't let them get to him again. He knew it wouldn't either be good for him, or his sanity, and neither would it be good for the others, especially Jimin now that he had tried to be as stupid as Hoseok.

But the worries, the memories, all his fears wouldn't leave him alone and he couldn't blame the incident with Jimin any longer. It was he himself that tortured him even though he had no idea why. Maybe it was the darkness, trying to get a hold on him and pull him back. Maybe. Eventually. Hoseok took another deep breathe in, feeling as if he was suffocating on the inside and he knew the feeling just too well. He let his head fall against Yoongi's, causing the older to stir in his sleep. It maybe took a second or two before Yoongi opened his eyes, hearing a soft 'help me.' leaving Hoseok's lips.

Yoongi would have shot up if he would have been able to, but he wasn't since Hoseok's arms were tightly wrapped around him, holding him in place and against his chest. Yoongi tried to loosen Hoseok's grip on him a little, but he failed. He heard soft whimpers coming from the younger and it pained his heart. It felt like Hoseok was pulling a dagger right through his heart and Yoongi couldn't stand it any longer.
"Hoseok." He whispered, hoping the younger would listen to him, but it didn't have any effect. Yoongi tried to get out of Hoseok's grip again and Hoseok started to sob. Yoongi stared at Hoseok's pained expression. He gave up trying to get out of Hoseok's grip as he brought one hand to the younger's cheek, the other finding its way into the younger's hair. He started caressing both, causing Hoseok to open his eyes a little, staring right at him as if Yoongi was the only thing that still mattered to him. Yoongi gasped as he noticed how dull the younger's eyes looked and he wanted to start crying himself. It wasn't hard for him to figure out what was happening to Hoseok as it wasn't the first time. It was just the first time that he was awake. All the times before Hoseok had been asleep and Yoongi had been thanking all the gods that he could think of that Hoseok had been asleep. But this time, this time was different because Hoseok was awake. It wasn't just a nightmare, he'd eventually forget about, anymore, now it was becoming reality and Yoongi could see in the younger's eyes how desperately he clawed himself onto reality, in his terms sanity.