The Day That I Believed

Heaven or Society

After I drove home, I went ballistic. I was literally bouncing off the walls. Before Kyle made me feel like I was special and like I didn't need to worry. But now I'm not so sure what I feel. He made me feel like I'm only thinking about myself in this situation.

When Kyle talked about God, I began to think about heaven. I wonder if my mom is in heaven or if heaven really exists. I thought I knew God as a graceful figure, but now I'm not so sure.

When I think about heaven I think about the Bryan Adams song. I really like it, but I know that heaven can be much more than that. I thought I believed in God, but I'm too angry to know if I do or not. I want him to give me back what once was mine.

Society has many definitions for heaven. There's girlfriends, boyfriends, food, or even our devices. I know for a fact that heaven is not any of those things. When I think about heaven, I think about seeing my mom again and finally being happy. But I don't know if that's going to happen.

My mom strongly believed in God and the bible. Look where it got her. I want to believe, but I just can't anymore. God has taken dancing and my mother from me. How can I forgive him for doing that to me!?

I hate our society and I hate what we think about ourselves. I mean maybe I'm just mental, but I think we should value better things in life. I want heaven to be real. So real that I could just touch it, but I know that it probably isn't.

Heaven should be a place of peace. A place of forgiveness and happiness. A place where my mother lives. Mom...

She was as graceful as they come. The way she spoke was like the way a bird sings a song. She walked with pride and honor. She was a strong christian woman. Why can't I be like that? 

I have many questions for God that I'm sure he will not answer. If I had to choose though, I would choose heaven over society. Society has poisoned people's minds and heaven has not. I want to believe that heaven is real. I need to believe that it is.

I need to believe  for my mother. I have to. But how can I do that when I am angry with God? What has he ever done for me? He took my mother for goodness sakes!

No one should ever take a child's  mother, not that I'm a child. My dad would know how to help me. I guess I should ask him for help, but how can I? I love my father, but even he can't fix this. I have to believe in my own.

Listen to me. God I can't do this anymore. Can you hear me! I'm in pain and I don't know how to stop it. You should know me more than anybody else does, so why aren't you listening to me?

I can't sleep without hurting. When I'm driving it get worse. My emotions are exploding like fireworks on the fourth of July. My heart is beating for you. For my mom.

To believe or to not believe. That's the question isn't it? It's like asking to be or not to be. Hamlet knew what he was doing when he said that didn't he? Why are all the smart people I hear about dead?

You can't even ask them a simple question for help. None what so ever. Do I know what to do next? No idea. Do you know what to do next? Maybe, maybe not. Who knows what lies before us? Heaven or Society.