What if?

Just this once

Let's get straight to the point. I don't think there is any need for a long, extended introduction. But here is the little one you get... Back when I first came here I was kind of naive. Utterly wet behind the ears and willing to trust anyone. If my father read this he would say I was being cynical and that even if a few people push me down I should get back up and try again. Let me tell you, he isn't wrong. If not for that at wise I would never have gotten past that stage. Oh there I go! Giving you the long intro that I said I wouldn't... Anyway here is what you actually came for.

Back in my first year of high school, which feels long ago but isn't, I fell in love for the first time. I am not talking about silly crushes I had plenty of those before. What I am talking about is thinking of this person every second I had to spare and even if I was busy he would still be there in the back of my mind. See two weeks into a new year at a new school I joined a club. Now this club was made for all the nerds, geeks and well people whom didn't fit in. That is where I met him. He was one of the chairman at this club... and he was perfect in every scene of the word. Kind, caring, ambitious, considered. Perfect. 

I won't say his name because I don't want him to know that I still felt this way. Although he'll probably know as soon as he reads this. If he does, that is. He is extremely smart. To get back to the point. Every term the teacher who was in-charge of this little club would hold a LAN night. Basically it was just a night that everyone came together to socialize. It was my first LAN night so I was very shy and kept to myself most of the time. I had a friend ,whom was also in the club, her name was Karien. Is was nice still is I guess. I was with her most of the time at first but later on as I started to loosen up a bit more I would even dare to go sit and talk to people on my own. 

I think I was busy playing Far Cry primal edition on the Play Station 4 when he suddenly walked right up and came to sit next to me. He only chatted for a while and asked if I played Xbox One, to which the obvious answer was yes, and then he walked away. Later on when I headed over to the Xbox side of the room there he was playing Meatboy. I built up my nerves for a moment and then sat down next to him. At first I thought he hadn't noticed me but then he asked, "Do you wanna try?" I said yes and took his controller. It was warm because of the time period it was in his hands. What a silly game I thought. The game was about this boy made entirely out of meat whom had to rescue his bandage girlfriend from an evil fetus. But to my surprise it was actually hard and I kept dying. 

Each time he laughed. After a while he took the controller and showed me how it worked. We sat there for hours just playing and if one would die it was the other one's turn. Time pasted so rapidly that once Micheal came to us and said it was time for the Mortal Combat tournament, I couldn't believe my ears.  He beat me so many times! Or that was until I found out his weakness. He was ticklish. Only problem with that so was I. So every time he got the upper hand I would tickle him and every time I got it he would do the same. 

Eventually the night came to and end... or should I rather say morning. We played through the night and at 7 the next morning my father came to pick me up. Still that didn't stop us from communicating. Thank you Whatsapp!!! So it continued for days, weeks. Every time I saw him at school I felt this strange feeling. His little sister was in my class back then and I guess she found out. Almost a month after the LAN night he changed his profile picture to some very depressing quote, and I in my naive state of mind asked him about it. 

'I don't see why we have to talk. So please stop bothering me.' Was his reply. At first I couldn't respond but then I tipped, 'Sorry that I bothered. Sorry that I wanted to be friends.' and went off line. I sat under my desk crying that night. Stuffing a pillow to my face so that my parents wouldn't hear. Guess what... Lucky me saw him the first thing the next day in the assembly hall. He was setting up the sound for the Primary school's assembly and I was there for choir practice. I took one look at his beautiful blue eyes and looked away. I moved forward, aware of his gaze on me, and took a seat at the large black grand piano. My fingers move over the keys almost as fast as they do right now as I played my rehearsed songs. Soon the hall became a bit more lively all thanks to the rest of the choir. 

So went the terms one after the another. I missed him and I still do but I couldn't bring my self to say so. But one day it became to much and after many of my nights was spent crying, I decided that I would do what I did best. I wrote a letter. I think it was about 4 pages long and when the next morning came I gave it to a friend to give to him. In the letter was all my feelings laid out. I told him that I missed him. I told him that I was sorry that I wasn't good enough to be his friend. That was it... that was the last time I made contact with him to this day. Karien and I have grown very distant. Most of the kids from the club would greet me time to time but I wouldn't call us friends. 

So if you ever read this and you will know who you are. I just want to say that even after almost a year I still miss you. Even if I currently have a boyfriend who I like a lot, you still creep into my mind sometimes or rather I don't think you have ever left. Always when ever you are there in the back corner taunting me and reminding me of the what ifs. All I ever wanted was to be your friend and to have that thrown back in my face was hard. But I learned how to cope. If not for all my other REAL friends I think I would still be upset about what happened.