The Things I Don't Say Out Loud

To: Him (#1)

I think I've known this for about a year now but I'm really not over you. I miss you everyday. I can't move on and every time I try to, I find myself comparing everyone else to you, and they never meet my standards simply because they aren't you. I don't know why I pushed you away, in all realness its the dumbest thing I've ever done and I can't seem to figure out why I did it. I've never loved anyone the way I love you and I think that's what scared me . I hate not knowing you now, like the way I used to, I want to know what you had for breakfast and I want you to tell me about the new song you found that I probably don't like, I want to make memories together and hold onto every little moment with you. I always find myslef searching for little bits of you in my life, old texts, Facebook updates, something that will give me a sign. Yet every time I do find something new about you, it only makes me more sad, it reminds me of how you've moved on to her, reminds me that I was nothing but pit stop along the way when you've been my whole journey. I know that realistically we'll never get back together, or even talk again. It breaks my heart everyday and I guess I think that by writing it all down like I'm talking to you, it feels like I still am. I'm just hoping that one day you'll see this and say you miss me too or at least know that letting you go was my greatest mistake. I don't know how to stop being sad, I don't know how to feel whole again. Its dumb because I know its been a whole year but I really just wish more than anything else that I still cross your mind at least sometimes. I know I'm never going to be good enough for you but I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to be the person that deserves someone half as great as you. I love you so I have to let you go, but if you ever came back, l'd spend every moment cherishing you. I miss you so, so,  much despite how dumb I know that is. I guess the truth is that if I can't get you back, then I at least want to get over you, right now, it hurts too much to keep holding on.