HOW JOHN BALL ACCIDENTALLY HELPED ME DESTROY THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ELSE

Hello - Part 1

I am presently 50 years of age. I was killed at the hands of a terrorist when I was 85 years old. Minding my own bloody business while strolling into the mall to get my usual morning herb and Swiss cheese bagel with a medium decaf coffee, double milk one sugar, some fool with a grievance decided to blow himself up, along with me and about two dozen other evil capitalist pig infidels unfortunate enough to all be in the food court at the same time. Talk about ruining a guys day.

That's the crazy in the picture above (or at least it was his picture, until some automatic 'edit' program changed it; something about copyright infringement. Now isn't that a crock - copyright infringement on a picture of a terrorist. Wonder if I had put a picture up top of this page showing the now ten thousand teeny tiny pieces of his red rotting flesh if there would have been a problem with 'copyright'. Anyways, no problem, the bagel isn't him; but it is what I had been thinking about at the time he went to pieces); anyways, I think his name was Al-shabob, or Shish-kabob or something like that. Crazy thing is, he hasn't even been born yet and he's already killed me, or rather me in the future. You should have heard the speech he recorded to go along with his 'looking forward to eternity with multiple virgins' video. He was really going to teach us a lesson (that being the royal 'us', as in all those infidels who refuse to acknowledge the supremacy of the true believers). Hope there's something to reincarnation so that this jerk can come back as an American Yorkshire (the pig breed that is, not the dog; I have too much respect for man's best friend to wish such evil on 'Rover'. This scum bag and his ilk could never be any man's best friend. Come to think about it, coming back as a pig would be too good for him).

If I had known the delusional bastard was going to choose that day to meet his fictitious maker, I would have opted for a Sausage McMuffin at the MacDonalds half a block over. Then again, eating one of those things might have had the same result, minus the explosives.

Anyways, this no-pork eating killjoy ...oops, bad choice of words ...seeing how old Mrs. Joy Abernathy was one of the victims, along with all three of the kittens she often carried in her purse. She probably would have brought along the old tom cat as well except for the fact it now weighed about a hundred kilos. Now wouldn't that have been a bloody mess given how things turned out. Cat fat, fur and blood. Couldn't pay me enough to be a para-medic in that situation. Sorry, I digress.

As I was saying, this wanna be Tusken Raider had to choose that day of all days to express his rather dynamic version of theology. Also as I said, I was 85 years of age and just beginning to enjoy my life when 'boom' it all fell apart ...or rather, I all fell apart with the  assistance of some pentaerythritol tetranitrate and a plasticizer provided courtesy of the wonderful workers paradise of North Korea. Why did I have to be born an evil capitalist pig infidel in the first place? But for that, I might have been able to die peacefully in my sleep. Sorry ...I digress again  ...must be the upset of not only knowing how you die, but when you are to die. You understand right? Bloody hell.

I apologize for my language ...getting all blown apart along with Mrs. Abernathy, her kittens, at least a couple of real gorgeous Swedish members of the fairer sex (I heard their accents...like those two ABBA singers, and I don't mean Benny and Bjorn), some BLM protesters preparing for their work day by filling up at Starbucks (that'll upset the Klan ...mixing of the races and all that ...not mixing at the Starbucks ...getting mixed up by being blown up, you know what I mean), and some youngsters heading to the Disney store. Bastard. Sorry ...I apologize for my language.

Again, as I was saying (seems I'm repeating myself a lot). Just let me calm down a bit. A few deep breathes ...slap my cheeks ...scream.

Okay, I'm okay now. Anyways ...it all started just after my world fell apart and me along with it...