The Words I Don't Say

I-Before

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a race car driver? To have your hand on the wheel but know that at any moment you might go spinning off the road and be sent racing heavenward in a pillar of fire?

My hands are on the wheel but I can barely steer. I no longer plot my own course but must swerve to dodge obstacles, just barely clearing them. 

It's strange that I should think of race cars. The worst day of my life would not have happened if it were not for cars.

I turned 16 on March 5, like any other 16 year old I was excited to write my G1 driver's test. I passed on the first go and my mom let me drive home to celebrate. Pride swelled in my chest every time I would look at the piece of paper that would count as my license until the true one came in the mail. This paper stated that I: Jessamine Alexa Fox was legally allowed to drive a car under the supervision of a person with a full G license of four years.

My older brother had another way to celebrate. Alberta is one of few provinces that actually has mountains. My father and mother had taken Darren and I hiking over the mountains since the time we were children. Now that Darren was 20, my parents didn't mind if the two of us went alone.

So Darren and I set off; hiking through the snow, feeling the wind on our faces and wide grins. It's always cold on the mountains but as it was March we dressed even more warmly. Before we left we double and triple checked the avalanche conditions. Every site stated that it was safe to go.

We spent a good three hours hiking through the snow before we decided to head home. Darren was leading the way. Everything was quiet, then the rumbling started. The day had been hotter than expected and it had softened the snow on the ridge above us. 

The rumbling grew louder, Darren grabbed me and we ran back the way we came. We weren't fast enough, the snow was upon us and we were caught in the slide. 

I had experienced avalanches many times but never one this bad. The force of the snow sent me tumbling around with snow all around me. My body was thrown into a tree, cracking three ribs and saving my life. 

My one thought was to cling to the tree, it's what we were always taught. If you're ever caught in an avalanche find something sturdy and hold on. So I did.

Finally the earth stood still. I was buried up to my waist in snow. Darren was nowhere in sight. The thing about snow, especially wet snow, is how heavy it is. Once the snow lands it is very hard to move, especially if you're underneath it.

I couldn't dig myself out, calling for help was useless because there was no one around to hear. It was getting dark by the time a rescue helicopter flew over, using heat sensors to look for us. Soon after, rescue crews arrived to dig me out. By then hypothermia was setting in as I had been sitting buried in the snow for hours.

On the helicopter I listened to the rescue crew whisper, Darren was still out there somewhere. I knew as well as they did that if they didn't find Darren soon he wouldn't make it. Still, a part of me believed that they would find him. He might have been swept farther away and been caught on a tree as I had. I didn't want to think about the fact that Darren could be gone.

I spent the night in the hospital, my ribs were seen to and I was wrapped in so many blankets that I could barely breathe. My parents stayed by my bedside the whole night through.

By the next morning, the rescue crews were called back and a recovery crew sent instead. If Darren was found, he wouldn't need rescuing.

I couldn't talk because the cold had dried out my throat, causing it to crack. It was alright because I didn't know what to say to my parents.