untold trauma

Im Here

I would like to say that I wasn't nervous, that I smiled and wave at the camera without fear. I can't though. When the lights hit my face I froze. It was like time slowed and every movement passed with a slow enduring agony. I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to be in the forest hunting. The noise made by the crowd made me long of bird song near the river and the gentle rumble of the water there.I wanted a hatchet in my hand chopping wood for the fire. I wanted to feel the gentle breeze move the grass in circles. But i'm not hunting. I'm cant hear the birds sing or the river grumble. I'm here and I may never see the forest again. I could feel the tears coming . luckily I was present mentally enough to know that crying wasn't a good option. I snapped out of it. No matter how much I much I want to be somewhere else I'm here. Soon I'll either be dead or a killer. I don't want to die but living means that everyone here will have to be dead. All the people in front of me, the two idiots behind me and even Maylisee next to me. If I am to survive they will all be dead. To be honest I'm not sure if I have the stomach. They are not my enemy they will soon try to kill me but does that really mean that they deserve to die. They will all do what it takes for them to survive. Children turned to killers. The capitol is who we all need to turn our weapons at, not each other. I know that will never happen though none of us want to die. We'll do what it takes to survive even at the expense of our morality. 

Maylisee nudged me with her elbow. Snow had begun to speak. I really didn't care what he had to say so I continued to revel in my thoughts. Snow had been "president" for the last 8 years after  president Zaroff died of a stroke. Everyone had hoped that he would change things within Panem but unfortunately Snow continued to lead in the same manner that Zaroff had. He was a tyrant and I had the suspicion that he was a murder as well. He ascendancy to the throne was full of mysterious deaths and me among many had doubts about his morality. Theres nothing to be done now though. He's dictator, he won. Theres really no hope left in the districts any more. They had tried to rebel before and look where it ended. Me in a stadium of people waiting to see me die, that's where. 

The chariot moved suddenly causing me to stumble into Maylisee."Sorry"I mumbled.She gave me a small smile. It worries me a little bit that it made my heart skip a bit. She was going to die soon especially if I wanted to live.

Effie lead us back to our rooms in the training center and let us rest for the night. I began the work of washing the glitter and makeup of in the shower. Even after rubbing my skin raw I couldn't get all of in off but it was enough for me. I was tired and I could always get more off in the morning. The grey satin sheets on my large fluffy bed were gentile on my newly damaged skin. I drifted into sleep quickly. Like the glitter on my skin Maylisee's smile was stuck on my mind.