shine - grayson dolan

0.49 «Grayson Dolan»

"I need to be by her," I cry, "Can I please hold her hand?" my voice cracks, and I'm practically begging the lady. 

"Please, stand back sir." She held up her arms in front of herself to stop me. 

Although I was much taller and could have easily pushed her out of the way, I found myself being pulled back by Ethan.

I struggled against his grip, "Let me go, Ethan!"

"Grayson, we talked about this. Let them do what they need to," he tells me.

I reluctantly agree, and stand next to Mrs. Samuels, who's already in full-out tears in the corner.

"CLEAR!" shouts Dr. Jensen, before putting the electrical pads on Emmy's chest. 

Her body flails, but goes back to its limp state.

"Up the voltage," he rubs them together, "...CLEAR!"

The same thing happens again. I watch the monitor closely, and the neon green line is staying still, much to my horror.

"Again! Higher voltage!"

"CLEAR!"

This time Emmy's body doesn't even move. I run past the nurses and to her bedside, shaking her side, "Stay with me, Emmy. Come on, babe, you got this!" I sob, tears streaming down my face.

One of my loose tears lands on her cheeks. It just stays there, frozen in space. 

Just like I am.

"NO! NO! NO!" I bellow, "Don't you leave me, Emmy! DON'T YOU DARE GO!" I clutch her body in my arms, and it's cold as ice. 

I kiss her forehead, cowering to my knees next to her bed, "Don't....go, Emmy," I whisper in her ear, a little snort coming through my words.

"Call it," I hear Dr. Jensen's voice behind me. 

"Emerson Samuels, time of death: 10:14 pm, 24th of May."

No. 

No. 

No.

No.

No.

I repeated the word to myself, as if that would bring her back. I refused to believe she was gone. It wouldn't happen.

It couldn't happen. 

"I'm so very sorry," Dr. Jensen apologizes to Mr. and Mrs. Samuels, who are both standing still in tears. 

They don't say anything. What could they even say? Dr. Jensen leaves the room along with the nurses, and we're left alone, in the sudden cold. 

Elliot and Evan were huddled together in the corner, and I could see they were crying too. It was the first time I had ever seen either of them shed a single tear. 

Emmy had the power to do that to people.

Her thin and fragile body laid still on the hospital bed. I almost felt reassured for a second, thinking she was just sleeping again for the night, and I would go take my place on the lumpy couch.

But that wasn't the case this time.

I kissed the top of her head slowly one more time as a final departure. I twirled a strand of her hair in between my fingers, tugging just a little, like she used to love. I rubbed her small, freezing hand in mine, as if that would make her feel warm.

And then I stepped back.

One step.

Two steps.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Until my back reached the far wall of the room. I slid down to a seating position, and I retracted my knees into my chest, hunkering away from the rest of the world. 

I rested my face deep into the gap between my legs and chest, and that's when I let the major tears spill. 

Tears about how she was gone, that the cancer had won this battle that had lasted two long months. Emmy had lost against her own body.

Wails about all the things she would never get to do. All the dreams she would sadly never fulfill.

But mostly, I whimpered and sobbed about how I wouldn't get to spend the rest of my life with her. Wouldn't get to see her gorgeous self in a prom dress, or a graduation gown. Or even in a wedding dress, walking gracefully down the aisle towards me.

I wouldn't get any of these things with the girl I so fucking loved. 

But, somehow, I found myself smiling.

Try as I might, the grin wouldn't go away.

And I knew why.

Sure the long future we were supposed to have would never happen, but there was no denying that these last months together were certainly the best of our lives.

I felt a breeze come over my shoulders. I glanced at all the windows and doors, and saw they were closed shut.

  A wonderful thought popped right then into my head.

Emmy was here.

Well, in a sense at least.

And as I sat against that bumpy hospital wall, I believed- no, I knew - with all my aching heart the Emmy would always take care of me.

Which meant I had to do the same.

~  ~  ~  ~

SONG OF THE CHAPTER: Far Too Young To Die

ARTIST: Panic! at the Disco

ALBUM: Too Weird To Live, Too Rare to Die