Homophobe

a

I don't quite know how long I sat at the corner of my shower sobbing hysterically. There wasn't enough water to clean away all the dirty deeds from last night. There weren't enough tears to wash away the pain and as much I tried to rationalise what had happened, there was no denying the fact that I was raped.

I liked him, heck I even flirted a bit with him last night. But that didn't erase the fact that what happened wasn't my choice.

I couldn't quite piece together the events of last night and the only evidence I had that it had happened was my body. The pain that I felt both physically and emotionally was overwhelming.

How did I let this happen to me?

My laboured breath began to quicken at the thought, I've been like this for a while now. I start to panic, I start to cry and then I have to calm myself down. Minutes later it starts up again.

I was sitting there trying to even my breathing when a knock on my door startled me. I held my breath and sat still, hoping who ever it was would leave.

Thankfully whoever it was gave up after fifteen long minutes of knocking on the door and waiting for me to answer.

My skin had wrinkled up like a prune from staying under the shower head for so long so I decided it was time I got out. Carefully, I stepped out of the shower and dried myself. The dull ache between my thighs a constant  reminder of what I'd gone through.

I managed to throw some lose pyjamas pants on and wore my star trek t-shirt.

I lay on my side, straight like a plank on top of my bed trying to recall last night's events.

I remember drinking beer that Vimla and I bought from 7/11 and the cup of jungle juice she gave me but that was it. I didn't have anything more than that. I mean sure, I was drunk but I wasn't black out drunk. I was having fun and dancing but I remembered all of that even in my drunken state I was still a little bit coherent.

I tossed onto my stomach and let out an exasperated sigh. I hated feeling so helpless, I hated feeling like this.

My weariness eventually caught up to me and I was dragged to a deep and dreamless slumber. I had been afraid to fall asleep because I thought I'd have a nightmare about it, but I didn't.

I was turning over to a more comfortable position when I heard a loud knock on my door.

"Wilhem!"

It was Vimla.

I couldn't ignore her forever so I begrudgingly got up from my bed and opened the door.

"You have some explaining to do mister!" She pointed an accusitory finger in my face.

"Please, come in." I said in a monotone voice.

"What's got you all pissy today? I thought you'd be all jolly about finally getting to sleep with David."  The way she said his name is a sultry tone made my stomach churn.

More importantly, the fact that she'd even insinuate that he and I slept together was all the more troubling.

How did she  know about that?

"Why would you say that?" I questioned, shutting the door like I didn't want any passers-by eavesdropping in on our conversation.

"Because you were all over him last night and you were doing the walk of shame back to your dorm this morning." She said matter-of-factly. 

Walk of shame? I clenched my fists together tightly at the thought. She'd made me seem like some embarrassed little girl who was  ashamed that she hooked up with one of the frat brothers but that  wasn't the case with me.

"What happened last night?" I asked her.

"We got turnt. We danced the night away and the last time I saw you you were whispering something into David's ear and from the looks of it, it was something hot." She said as she gave me a knowing look.

"Can you be fucking serious for once!" I reprimaned. I was getting annoyed with her attitude.

"Wilhem. . ." Her big, dark brown eyes searched mine.

"I'm sorry, I-i just don't remember much from last night." I admitted.

"What's wrong?" She asked.

"I was- well. . . David uh. . ." The words were getting stuck in my throat and I couldn't really piece together a proper sentence.

Vimla clasped her hands over my sweaty ones and she led me to the edge of my bed, urging me to sit.

"I'd rather stand for this." I said. Truth is I couldn't.

"Okay," she said simply.

"David raped me." I finally said.

The words flew out of my mouth so quickly I wasn't even sure she'd understand what I'd just said but from the shocked expression on her face. She got it.

"What?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowed together.

"I don't know what happened last night but I blacked out and woke up in David's bed, naked."

"And?"

"And what? What exactly are you getting at Vimla?" My voice was louder than I would've wanted but she was trying me.

"You like David, you were practically throwing yourself at him last night. . . what's  the big deal?"

"Are you fucking serious right now? So what if I liked him? So what if I was flirting him? That doesn't give him the right! I didn't consent to having sex with him and even if I wasn't drunk, I never would have slept with him last night." I yelled. I was in her face now, probably looking like a deranged lunatic from the pale face Vimla wore.

"Just because I'm gay and I liked him doesn't mean I wanted it. If I was a girl would you have said the same to me?"

"Wilhem-"

"Get the fuck out of my room!" I screamed. The anger that was rippling through me had pushed me to drag her out by her arm. In that moment I didn't care if my grip was too tight, I needed her out of here before I truly lost it on her.

I opened the door to throw her out but my resolve came crumbling down when a certain six foot dark haired man stood in front if it. Blocking the way.

David.
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author's note

I need some milk. Why do I even write these?

I appreciate you for having taken the time to read this.