Torn Tethers • Edward Cullen [2] [S.U]

[7]

The labyrinth of tree branches that spread across the grey sky above her did little to keep the rain from pouring in on Colton from every direction as she continued to trudge through the evergreen forest. It was absolutely torrential and from the moment it had begun it had soaked through every layer Colton was wearing, allowing the cold to completely capture her.

It was probably something to be said about Colton's character. Maybe it spoke about her harsh un-yieldingness or her tiny fascination with constantly discovering her highest tolerance to pain. But for what felt like the first time in far too long, the reason for Colton stepping out into the blizzard wasn't him, even though the situation did indirectly involve him. But no, this time it wasn't his fault, it wasn't his selfish, self-loathing fault. It was Colton.

She had never told him anything passed the legends, even after when she knew that they weren't the make-belief stories they had all believed them to be. There had been so many times when she could have just said it. Could have just told him so he could have been somewhat more prepared for what was happening to. But of course, there had been the obstacle of him probably thinking she had finally gone around the bend had become so drunk off of the stories that had been fed since childhood that she now had concocted a belief for them as well. But at least she wouldn't have this guilt now. This bone crushing guilt that weighed on her more than the rain that pelted down of her as she continued to trench on in the direction of the home she now felt so alone in. At least if she had told him he would have just thought she was crazy and wouldn't be holding the bitterness that she was almost certain he was harbouring against her now. 

Ever since he had shifted, Jacob had gained an even more explosive temper. Colton knew that this was normal for their kind, though even using that word to describe anything in their situation felt more unnatural than the wolf that crawled in her skin. But that didn't mean it was any less painful to watch him vaporise into his own anger. And the words he spat at her were so much worse because she knew they were all true, despite the fact that he always regretted them whenever he came back to his senses and was able to shift back. But that didn't stop the sting, didn't stop the ache.

Even though she knew it wasn't just her doing. That no matter how many stories Billy told him that he too was keeping Jacob in the dark of his true nature, but Colton still felt most responsible. Jacob was her cousin, her brother. There was nothing in the world she would not sacrifice for him and yet she abided in keeping such an important part of him, a part of them, a secret.

Ever since his first shift Colton had taken herself off of school using the same excuse as Jacob that they had both contracted Mono so that she could be home. So that whe- if  he needed her, she would be there. But this also meant that she had to follow the gag order that Sam had put over Jacob. No telling Bella.

Colton thought that was the most idiotic thing she had ever heard come out of Sam's mouth, and most of what he said seemed perfectly stupid to Colton. Bella was one of the only people who would actually understand Jacob, not to mention she was his best friend or, whatever they were to each other. She also knew almost everything from Colton's experience, though that was Sam's bargaining chip in their argument, that she only knew almost everything. It was actually quite astonishing when Colton thought back to the times she had talked to Bella about her condition and why she was they way she was and realised that they had hardly ever spoken about it. And now they couldn't, because as long as Colton wanted to loiter around waiting for Jacob, she had to abide by Sam's rules.

But when no Jacob and no Bella and no Ed-, all Colton had left was the woods. But with the comfort that came with the silent trees also gave her the silence that her thoughts always made feel louder than a rambunctious crowd.

Ever since him, Colton had a rather difficult time with being left completely alone with her own mind that seemed to be permanently humming with anxietys within its cage in her skull. When she was alone, as she always seemed to be, she would have to keep herself calm despite the fact that her brain wanted nothing more than to fixate on the constant anxieties and failures she had accumulated. It liked to play her best hits over and over again so that they were all she could think so that whenever she blinked, she saw them. And then there was the clawing sensation that would creep up and tear at her insides, leaving her bleeding and vulnerable.

But that was for her to suffer through, and right now, Colton felt as though that was what she deserved; to suffer.

She deserved to suffer through Jacob's rage, to Bella's close to tearful voicemails that never ceased to leave Colton in a mental mess. She deserved to suffer through it, in silence and alone. Because that's what she always truly been, alone.

She had stopped moving now, mud-caked boots still against the marshy ground. Shards of cold continued to pelt down against her back until she raised her head, allowing the rain to cascade down her face and run down her neck. She would have almost smiled and could only let out an empty laugh that couldn't be heard over the sound of the rain.

"I guess I'm the self-loathing one now," She chuckled, shaking her head as she continued to stare up at the molten grey sky. She spoke as if he was there, as if someway, somehow he'd been able to hear her. "We were quite the pair you and I. Each taking our turns to hate ourselves, which I'm sure isn't healthy, but we still did it. But maybe that's also what made us so compatible, because while one of us was hating ourselves, the other was loving us."

And then, not out of joy or happiness, but out of full and utter clarity; she smiled. Complete realisation from complete despair. Because despite that small, overbearing part of her that would shatter gravity and fight against reality. The rain would continue, she would continue to feel guilty for Jacob, she would continue to not speak to Bella and he, would continue to be gone.

Hey, everyone, I hope you had a great Christmas. So I know that a lot didn't happen in this chapter but I when I started writing this chapter it just sort of turned into discussing Colton's anxiety because she definitely has it. And while I know this entire book is sort of just showing how much Edward impacted Colton, I just really liked writing about how even though she is getting better, she still has so many obstacles and insecurities that are eating her up inside. I also started listening to really sad music so that also contributed.

Anway. Until the next chapter. Thanks again for sticking with me and Colton for another book. 

Happy New Year.