Give Me Love

Dear Death

Death,

Why you? Why did you come to me? Is love mad at me or something? Did I do something wrong? 

I know it was inevitable to meet you but I certainly didn't expect you being like that. Most of all I am confused because the feelings I have for you are far from usual. Though I was afraight the first second, I saw your beauty in the next one. Your touch gentle as you caressed my bleeding wrists with your healing fingers, looked me deep into the eyes and told me that my time hasn't come yet. 

That was the moment I fell in love with you.

And I wanted to feel you every second. I became irresponsible because I knew every of my dangerous actions would bring you back to me. 

Everytime I crossed a street without looking for passing cars, you took my hand and pulled me savely to the other side. 

Everytime I came too close to the edge on the roof of the building I called home, you would hold me to prevent me from jumping, and just enjoy the breathtaking view with me.

Everytime I cut my wrists, you sat by my side on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor and healed my wounds.

I never knew if you loved me back. If the reason you wanted to keep me alive was because you loved me or beacause you just didn't wanted me to be with you and you wanted to let me suffer in the world of the living. 

Until that one time I took the pills, all of them at once. Because I couldn't stand not being with you anymore. Mom found me passed out on my bed, my pulse almost inexistent, when she called the ambulance. 

I thought it worked out this time. I thought I was dead. 

But I woke up, and again you were the one who saved me. Though I can't imagine a better feeling than the one I had the moment I regained consciousness and felt your palms cupping my cheeks, your soft lips pressed onto mine breathing life into me. When you pulled back I saw the tears running down your face and I knew you loved me back. 

There was noone in the sterile hospital room but us. I could feel your warmth. I felt safe. 

In there you showed me that you loved me. You didn't say it but I could see it in your eyes and in the way you connected our lips again in a more passionate kiss. You kissed me like you wanted to capture it and you savoured every second. Because you knew it was our last one for a far too long time.

You told me that I had to wait. That we could never be together in peace if I ended my life this way. 

You told me that you would wait for me and that I should wait for you, because we still had forever after this sacrifice. And maybe time would see  our devotion and undying love to each other and be fond of us.

I hope so much it is true. But until our time has come I am waiting for you. Imagining you by my side wherever I go. I know you are there and I know that I can't see you anymore but I can feel your presence. I can feel your warmth.

Affectionately yours,

Alice