Holding On To You//Joshler

Chapter 28

"Was that all?" I snapped. Fuck. I needed to calm down. Tyler opened his lips to form a response but I pressed my finger against them. "I'm sorry, its none of my business sorry, my emotions are all over the place recently"

"No no, its okay" he whined, he returned his hand back to my thigh, "It's cute that you're jealous"

"I am not" I replied as I grabbed Ty's hand gently from underneath the desk, he began to stroke the side of my hand softly with his thumb.

"How would you feel if I was doing the same thing to Ryan right now then?" I shot my head under the desk to navigate Ty's spare hand, it was glued to his own side - I sighed in relief.

"Don't do that to me" I nudged his shoulder with my head.

"Why is everyone here so fucking gay?" Brendon sighed once again.

"You don't have to lie to yourself here" Eddy cooed.

"Are you accusing me of being homosexual sir?" he spat.

"Accusing makes it seem like a crime. Its not a bad thing to like men okay"

"So do you like men then?" Brendon's lips were curling.

"That's a personal question, but I'm not ashamed and you shouldn't be. Yes I am gay, and if you have a problem with that well I'm going to help solve it"

I clapped slowly which triggered a response from both Ryan and Tyler, Eddy was glowing a radiance of pride. He playfully bowed from his chair.

"Thanks guys, I wish high school was like this when I was your age. Before you say anything it wasn't that long ago I'm not that old okay"

We all nodded in unity, an air of acceptance was filling the room. It impressed me how calmly Eddy seemed to be handling everything. 

"Okay back to the counselling Brendon you didn't escape me that easily" Eddy was speaking loudly and somehow more confidently than before. "How are you feeling on a scale of 1-10?"

"This is so fucking gay," he coughed "so lame"

"Answer it so I can move on"

"I'd say a 4"

"Neutral bordering on sad? How so?"

"My dad saw me pissed and asleep on a basketball courts at like 11am, he thinks I have an alcohol problem and that I'm self destructive. But hey, at least I'm not a loser like everyone else in the room" Brendon's voice had started to crack, I was experiencing mild de ja vu.

"Do you wanna talk about it, maybe we can bump you up to a 5?"

"This is so fucking lame" he snivelled, he was hitting the desk in anger "The saddest thing is I do want to talk about it, I just don't know how. I don't want to be a jerk you know?"

"Why do you think you're a bully figure then?"

"I guess I like the power, I'm trying to fool myself. Trying to be someone I'm not"

"There's other ways to gain purpose Brendon" Eddy leant over to sympathetically rub Brendon's arm. He flinched.

"Don't touch me fag" he snapped and pressed his fists to his eyes, "I didn't mean to say that. I'm so fucking sorry" he banged the desk. "I'm so sorry"

"Hey,hey,hey" Eddy said in a calm, cool voice. "We're here to help you okay! Isn't that right boys?" 

The remaining three of us nodded nervously. Brendon's bursts of anger were having an effect on Tyler, I could feel it. Every time he raised his voice Ty squeezed my hand a little tighter, it was no longer an attempt at making me uncomfortable. It saddened me to imagine the flashbacks he was experiencing.

"I just don't want to be so angry all the time you know, you're not even a professional. Fuck. I can afford a private therapist you know, but they don't care. I've seen Tyler slipping in here at dinner, because of me. You've always let him sit in here and I thought, that maybe you'd help me too. I just ,I don't know"

"Brendon, its okay calm down come on" Eddy threw him the stress ball that was conveniently situated on his desk. "The boys probably wont forget your years of bullying and torment okay, but we can work towards a more positive future"

"Ryan? I said popping my head around Tyler who was acting as a barricade, "Sorry for being so salty before, I guess I'm just paranoid about Ty, I don't want him getting hurt"

"I didn't even notice" he smiled a huge fucking grin, it was so big that it literally spread from ear to ear. He was so cute it hurt. I was scared, scared that Tyler would realise that I wasn't the only boy around.