One Breath At A Time ( Tom HIddleston)

Chapter 9 Darling

I wonder how his family is doing or if they know for certain now? Selfish of me to only think of them now. Waking up this morning was like having my heartbroken all over again. I keep thinking of the days before he left, how sure I was that something bad was going to happen. I should have put my foot down, insisted he stayed. I knew there was something bad in the air and I still let him go. I let him leave me and now look at what happened. I could have stopped him but I ignored all the warning signs. How could I have been so wrong? How could I have let him walk out that door? What were my last words to him? When was the last time I truly told him I loved him? Did he know exactly how much I loved him, how much he meant to me? I hope he knew how much he meant to me. How he left his imprint all over me and everything I do. I'm so afraid of not remembering him. Of remembering conversations he had or the little things he would do to make me smile. When would I start forgetting? I know that's what happens and that's how the healing starts but I don't want that to happen. I need to keep him close. I want to build a wall around us and let no one else in. I don't want to forget his voice. That' the thing that terrifies me the most out of all of this. I want him to sing me to sleep like he did that night. I've never felt so completely lost in my own skin before. The weight of the ring on my finger is heavy and I'm not sure I can even hold on anymore. I'm drowning and I don't have anyone to save me. Maybe I don't even want to be saved...

Getting up I walked out of the bedroom, finding Ben in the kitchen, making something to eat. He turned as he heard me walk in, sending me a tiny smile. I gave him a weak one in return, trying to help and be strong like he was. Putting coffee in the machine I needed the boost, choosing the caffeine over the soothing tea that I normally drank.

"Do you want something to eat?" he asked, putting some toast on a plate.

Looking down it I felt my stomach roll, the slice of bread on the plate reminding me of the morning we left for the airport. Tom winking at me and making me feed him while his hands were occupied. Closing my eyes against the memory I placed my hand on my stomach, waving away the plate.

"You have to eat something Bri, please." He sighed, leaning against the counter.

"I will. I"ll have granola, just not toast." I shook my head, not wanting to explain why.

Nodding his head he moved aside, taking his plate and heading to the table. I grabbed a bowl, filling it halfway with granola from the cupboard and breathing deeply to get right of the tight feeling in my stomach. Grabbing whatever fruit I could find in the fridge I added that too with some yogurt, knowing it would make Ben happy. Following him I sat at the table grabbing my coffee as well. Taking a sip of that the bitter, black brew slithered down into my stomach as I picked up my spoon. Taking a spoonful I ignored the fact that Ben was not so inconspicuously watching me, making sure I was eating. Putting it in my mouth I chewed and swallowed, seeing the obvious relief on his face. What I didn't say to him was that everything tasted like cardboard but I forced myself to eat, just going through the motions. Spoon, bowl, mouth, chew, swallow, repeat. When I finished I got up putting it in the sink, not bothering to rinse it out. I leaned against the cupboard as Ben followed, putting his own away and rinsing them off. I leaned a hip against the counter as I faced him.

"What do we do now?" I asked, wrapping my arms around my stomach,

"With what?" he replied, a confused look playing across his aqua eyes.

"A funeral."

"Oh."

I knew he hadn't thought of that in spite of all that had happened. His face drained of all color and he put his hands in his jeans pocket. I looked up at him and for the first time I realized he had changed clothes.