One Breath At A Time ( Tom HIddleston)

Chapter 6 Did You Know?

Happy Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment, fortunate and convenient. I don't even know what that means anymore. Benedict is standing outside my door, ready to come in and help me at the first sign of breaking down. I still don't understand how I ended up here. This dark place. All I know is I have to keep writing. If I don't write then I'm going to scream and if I scream I don't think there's anything Ben can do to make me stop. I look around the rom and nothing has changed from this morning and yet the whole world has changed. There is no light, no love an no Tom. I can't write the words down. I refuse to write them. If I write them down in the book and see them it's real, and it can't be real. I'm dreaming. That's the only logical explanation right now. I haven't even woken up yet. I'm safe in my bed and Tom is still singing to me, making sure I'm safe and warm and asleep. Ben isn't here and my imagination has conjured some cruel trick on me, playing on my fears. The thought of Tom not being in the world is too much for me to bear. Surely the universe cannot be this cruel. They wouldn't bring someone into my life who was so calm, so kind. Who knows exactly who I am, flaws and all, and who fits me perfectly. Someone who was just as beautiful inside as he was out. It didn't happen. I should pinch myself, wake myself up from this nightmare so I can be awake when he gets back. Yes. That's the explanation. I'm going to pinch myself.

I'm not dreaming...

Looking down at the mark on my arm I could feel the hurt, the slight ache. I blinked, hoping the pain would snap me back to consciousness, praying I was dreaming. When nothing happened I whipped the pen across the room, bouncing off the wall and leaving a slight mark. Ben cracked the door open, poking his curly head into the room. I was standing behind the desk, chest heaving as I fought the urge to break down in tears once again. Walking around the desk, I picked up the pen lying forlornly on the ground.

"Are you coming out?" Ben asked, his own voice cracking at the end and I remembered in that moment that I had not only lost the love of my life but Ben had also lost his best friend.

"I'll be out right away." I nodded, gripping the pen.

Ben gave a short nod as he shut the door, granting me my privacy. Putting the pen on the desk I was about to shut my journal away when I stopped. There was no reason for me to hide it, no one would read it now. The sobs were building into my chest, the pressure exploding as little noises slipped from between my lips. Covering my mouth I suppressed them, determined not to cry until I knew 100% that he was gone. Turning I walked out, seeing Ben sitting on the couch, looking as lost as I felt. I shut the door behind me, leaning against it.

"Has anyone called yet?" I asked, rubbing the space between my eyebrows, trying to relieve the ache.

"A few newspapers. Asking if the rumours are true." He informed me, standing up.

"Maybe I should call his agent. See if maybe Luke can shed some light on what's going on." I nodded, feeling numb as we so calmly discussed this disaster.

"Do you want me to go?" he asked, looking a little like a lost puppy.

"No. Please don't. I can't handle being alone right now." I shook my head, feeling the tears start, "Can you make some tea maybe?"

"Yea I'll make some."

I headed over to Tom's desk, beginning to search through his desk for his agent's number. There were stacks of paper sitting in piled and stacks of cards scattered across the top. I grabbed a handful, quickly sifting through them, trying to find the one I needed. Not seeing it I grabbed another fistful, looking through those ones just as fast. Throwing them on the desk in frustration, I swept my arm across the stacks of papers. Picking up the pencil holding I chucked it as hard as I could across the room, showering the room with pens and pencils. As soon as the anger came it was gone, leaving me more exhausted. Ben came walking over quickly, reaching the desk as I slumped into the chair, head in my hands.

"I can never find a bloody thing in this house." I choked out, fisting a hand in my hair.

"Come on. Come sit at the table." Ben murmured, standing me up gently, an arm wrapped around my waist, supporting me.

"I can't. I need to go the bedroom. Just give me some time. Please just forgive me for that and please don't leave me."'

I didn't give him a chance to reply before nearly running to the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. After taking a deep breath I pushed away, walking across our bedroom, heading towards Tom's closet. Leaning my head against the doors I put my hands on the small knobs. As I opened it slowly I took a deep breath, filling my senses with the smell of Tom. Letting go of the door I ran my hands over his clothes, making the scent blossom. Picking his favorite suit I pressed my face against the lapels, imagining him holding me. After standing like that for a while I let go, running my hand down the arm. Grabbing his robe I pulled it gently from the closet. He rarely used this one, keeping it only for the winter months. Slipping my arms into it I wrapped it around me, closing my eyes. Sticking my hands into the pocket I felt a bump against my chest. Frowing I reached up and stuck my hand inside the pocket, pulling out the first thing my fingers touched. In my hand was an envelope, obviously a letter. Turning it in my hands all it said was 'Darling' in Tom's loopy handwriting. The tears formed in my eyes as I reached in for the other object, slowly. Pulling it out with trembling hands I knew what it was before I even set eyes on it. The little bit of my life that I had left shattered around me, falling into shards at my feet. The little black box sat perfectly in the palm of my hand, taunting me. Cracking the lid slowly I heard the door to my bedroom open slowly. I couldn't move if my life depended on it but I heard him take two steps and freeze, obviously spotting what I held in my hand. The ring was a simple, just a single diamond flanked by stones on a white gold band. Exactly my taste. Turning to Benedict he looked just as stunned as I was and I held out my hand, the box trembling.

"Did you know?" I cried, the tears rolling down my face.

"No." he replied, looking shocked and sad, "He was talking about you being the one but never mentioned buying a ring.

"God damnit this isn't fair." I sobbed, sinking to my knees on the floor, hand clasped around the box, "This isn't fair.

Ben walked up to me, getting on his knees next to me. Awkwardly he put his arms around me from the side and I felt like he was doing his best to try hold me together. I used my free hand to clutch his arm, falling into him as everything I had tried to hold back came pouring out. I could feel him crying, shaking against me, both of us too lost in the grief over the man who had touched both our lives.