● Illusory ●

Chapter 18

Seiko

My hand rested on the semi-cool glass of one of Agloe's windows, staring out at the luminous city whilst deep in thought. It was a habit that I had picked up lately, though if I was being truthful, my habit of staring off into space while deep in thought has been around ever since I figured out how to think. As always, my subtle yearning to go back to Neverland occupied my ever-so frantic thoughts, though I knew I could never go back. Everyone there was only using me after all.

Though, along with these ridiculous wishes to return to Neverland, I've also found many inexplicable feelings left in blank areas of my memories. For some reason, I was relieved about something months ago, but all I can find in the memory's place is empty space. I can't remember the reason why I was afraid of Kalle months ago. I have no recollection of why I once felt something similar to adoration and some sort of yearning a few months ago. It's all so...blank.

Even worse, I have no explanation for  why these memories are blank. I know they happened, but why are they gone from my head? Is it because of my somewhat faulty memory? Or is there someone messing with my head? Maybe I'm going crazy? I don't know. All I know is I want answers, even though none of these may not ever be answered.

Though, there's many things I can clearly recall even though some are ever-so-slightly slipping from my mind. They're all marked by vivid imagery that accompany the events I can remember, whether that be the horrifyingly crimson color of blood that stains my hands and sleeves, or the harsh glint of white teeth turned into a deceptive grin. I can even recall the screeching noise of mocking laughter from long ago, and poison-laced words that a me from the past would have easily mistaken for sugar. They're all things I'd love to be relieved of, but the struggle of what to say about them makes me anxious, even more from the fact that I really need to confront someone about one of these.

I'm terrified of even trying to say a word to this person about it though, for fear that he would do it again. Perhaps I would come off as offensive or unintelligent and provoke him. I'm even afraid to say who it is now, for fear that he would accuse me of tattling or framing him. Though he's trustworthy and helping me, I can't help but feel scared of him, and scared of saying anything that may make him mad. Though, I should be used to this by now. It's been this way for years.

Though, the thought of confronting him won't leave me alone, and continues to return like the cold winter months. It's a bad idea in my opinion, yet at the same time something inside me is urging me to speak up. I know I shouldn't, but I should. I'm afraid of getting hurt though, knowing what has been done before. I'm supposed to be strong though, so why am I so afraid of fighting back!? Why can't I do anything!?

"Everything alright, Sei?" a familiar voice broke me from my thoughts as I felt a hand gently rest on my shoulder. Startled, I immediately turned around, causing Kalle to look surprised as he took a step back. He then gave a friendly smile. "So sorry for startling you. I was just passing by and noticed that you were looking distressed. Did you perhaps see an animal get hit by a car outside or a lone shopping cart with no store to go to?"

"Not exactly..." I answered before he gave another guess.

"Then were you staring at the Neverland Building?" Kalle questioned, his smile faltering. Given the experience I've had with him these past couple months whenever he caught me staring at my old home, I decided to lie.

"No, I was just thinking about my actual home. You know, my parents and sister," I replied. It wasn't entirely a lie, really. My family has been on my mind quite a lot, as well as other people. Kalle sighed.

"Don't worry about them, Sei. They're traitors. They're nothing worthwhile," he told me, "I know it's hard to let go of them, but you shouldn't let bad people stay in your life. Family or not."