Untethered

40 | Rescue Me

"Holy shit," Emma breathed.

Julie nodded. "After that, she was more careful about how she hurt me. She still hit me and screamed at me, but never as badly as that night. Then, when I was about ten..." a garbled sound came from the back of her throat, and her voice dropped to a near whisper, "When I was ten, my daddy started coming into my room at night. At first, it was sort of innocent. He'd just lay next to me in bed and hug me. It made me uncomfortable, but I didn't know why. Then he started touching me, and eventually... more." Her eyes squeezed shut, as if that could hold the barrage of memories at bay, her body shaking with the effort. "It made my mama resent me even more. I told her what he did, and she accused me of seducing him. She beat me almost to death, but I got away to one of my friend's houses. Told them I'd been attacked on the street.

"From then, I just dealt with it all in silence. I ran away when I was sixteen, and began waitressing in different bars. Not terribly safe, but I made enough money to stay off the street, and hide from my parents. I'm not even sure if they ever looked for me. I met your dad a few years later. He was coming into the bar I was working at, and he kept offering to take me out and buy me drinks. In the beginning, I wouldn't give him the time of day... but he was so sweet, and, eventually, he wore me down. I agreed to one date, and then everything started moving too fast, and I was afraid to slow things down or stop it. I didn't want to like him, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want to risk losing him. Then, I found out I was pregnant, and right after that, we got married. It was all a blur, and I was so excited, and happy that I just ignored everything else.

"I did my best to forget what my parents had done to me. I didn't want to be that kind of mama... "she blew out a shaky breath, "But I was so depressed, and angry... I didn't want to tell your dad what had happened to me, because I was sure he'd think it was my fault, so I kept it to myself. But becoming a mom brought everything back. Nightmares, anger, depression, crazy mood swings... By the time we had you, I was barely keeping it together. I started making bad decisions—Danny being one of them. I was so out of control, I knew I was fucking everything up, but I couldn't stop myself.

"I seduced Danny and convinced him to help me with the heist. When we pulled it off, I was going to kill him and take off with the jewels. Start over somewhere. I was so stupid... stupid and naïve. I shot him at the cabin we were supposed to be hiding at until we could sell the gems, and left him there. Went home like nothing was wrong, and waited. But your dad found the jewels, and he was livid... wanted me out of your lives. He knew he was being framed, but wasn't sure the cops would even look at me for the crime without more proof. So he blackmailed me to stay away, just like Greta said in her letter. I figured I could scare him into telling me where they were, so one night, I called him to meet." Julie's tears started to fall in earnest, as she struggled to continue.

"What did you do, mom?"

"I held him at gunpoint. Demanded he tell me where they were... but he wouldn't tell me! I got too close to him with the gun, and he grabbed for it. It—it just went off! I didn't want to kill him, but he was just lying there. I couldn't get help without everyone finding out what I'd done, so I left him there. I—I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry." Her body doubled over with the strength of her sobs, while Emma sat beside her, stunned.

"Jesus, mom... I don't know what to say. That's... that's all really overwhelming."

"I know." Julie quieted, taking large gulps of air. "I know it doesn't change anything I've done, but I did try. I tried to be a good wife and a good mom... I just couldn't."

"It's a little too much to process right now, if I'm being honest. Why are you telling me all this now?"

"I don't know. I mean, I've always had regrets, but I just kept going forward. The easiest way to live was to focus on me. I couldn't do anything for anyone else. But when Danny found me... it all came back. I know it's too late for forgiveness, but I was trying to keep you safe from this." Shoulders slumped, head hanging, her voice came out flat and blunt. "We need a plan, Emma. He's coming back, and he is going to kill us when he gets what he wants."