The Chasing of Moons

Petition to Get the Word "Woo" Banned From the Dictionary

"Please, I'm not out buying advertising space to broadcast it, I just wanted you to know that I know."

"And what's the purpose of telling me that you know?" Frank asks.

"Just thought I could help, because you're not getting very far, are you?" Mikey says.

"You cannot be serious. You want to give me tips on how to..." Frank looks around and then whispers, "woo your brother."

"Absolutely not. Woo is a dumb word."

"Okay yeah, but saying 'seduce' sounds much more serious, doesn't it? It sounds more like a porno than it does anything else."

"You just watch too much porn," Mikey responds.

"Or maybe you don't watch enough. What am I saying, you're seven years old."

"I am not!" Mikey replies.

"You could've fooled me."

"Do you really want to mess with me, I know you're secret," Mikey warns him.

"What? No! Fuck, I was kidding! Jeez, please do not-"

"You have no idea how to take a joke do you?"

"What? Yes, I do, but jokes are meant to be funny, that was not funny. Please, just don't tell, okay? And also, like, what tips do you have for me?" Frank asks, voice full of trepidation.

"I won't say, of course I'm not going to, that's your secret to tell, I don't have the right to it. But as far as winning over Gerard goes, first of all, you need to stop trying to defend yourself. Like, that's not going to get you anywhere. You ignored him for a bunch of years, don't try to justify it. Everyone always tries to justify those things, don't do that. You will get farther if you just honestly say you fucked up, and you're sorry. That's way cleaner, it sounds better and it'll get you a hell of a lot further," Mikey says.

"Right," Frank says, nodding. He's not sure he agrees with that, because he really does think that a lot of Gerard's hate is unwarranted, but Mikey knows him way better than Frank does. He really should listen to him.

"Okay, next, conveniently, his birthday is in just a few weeks."

"Wait, seriously?" Frank asks.

"Yes," Mikey says, "and I was going to get him tickets to this one concert, but it looks like you need to get on his good side more than I do. Take him to the concert then, okay?"

"Wait, you're being serious?" Frank asks, "Like really? 'Cause this is a huge scoop for me, I might get him to stop wanting to tear my head off if you let me actually do this."

"Why on earth would I say it and not be serious? Like, yes, take him to the concert, his birthday is the ninth, he will love you and I can promise you that, okay?" Mikey says.

"You are the best person ever."

"I know," Mikey says, "give me your phone, I'll text you the details and everything, okay?"

"Right, yeah," Frank says, stopping when they reach his locker. He grabs his phone from his pocket and hands it to Mikey. While he's busy messing with it, Frank gets his locker open and grabs his books. Mikey hands it back a moment later, and then nods.

"My other tips include talking about Star Wars as much as possible, he's in love with Morrissey, do with that information what you will, he's ticklish under the chin, I know that because he used to sit on me when we were kids and that was how I got him off, and also, coffee is the key to his heart."

"Wow," Frank says, getting a feeling in his stomach like someone just gave him a cheat sheet for a huge test. "Okay, but the last one is true of everybody, isn't it?"

"I suppose so, but it's still a good thing to know."

"Thank you very much, man. I appreciate it. But once again, if you tell anyone of this conversation or about my... well, I will rip your tongue out and feed it to you."

"What a kind thing to say to someone who's trying to help you," Mikey notes.

"I'm just making sure we're on the same level, okay?" Frank asks, "But I do really appreciate you helping me out."

"No problem. The only way he's not going to end up an eternal bachelor is if I meddle with every single aspect of his life anyway, and you seem okay, so I might as well."

"That makes me feel well special. And do you need tips on Pete then?" Frank asks. "Wait fuck."

"What?"

"What?" Frank asks, hoping if he repeats it he'll be able to wipe Mikey's mind of what he just said.

"What about Pete?"

"Nothing about Pete. Who's Pete? I have no idea to what you're referring to."

"No, you just said-"

"I have to go to class!" Frank shouts, and he's running off with nothing more than that.