"Chris and Brent are you here yet?" I say looking around the clubhouse for the two that I was calling out. "Can one of you guys tell Brent and Chris that I am looking for them and I'll be on the field when they get back in here?" I ask no one in particular turning to go to the field to wait for them.
I sit leaning against the center field wall thinking about what has happened not only in the last twenty four hours but the last six years. As I am lost in thought some of the Cubs players come out to start their routine before the game. There is one player on the Cubs that I know pretty well and he comes over to sit next to me.
"A birdy told me that you lost your cousin yesterday. I have read somewhere where a Leo's biggest asset is also their biggest weakness, their heart. I have also read she is a badass with a good heart, soft but strong. Unapologetic and honest. She is the type of woman you go to war with beside not against. Another thing I have also read that they are confident on the outside but sensitive on the inside. They will never let you see them break mentally or physically. You see I know that you are strong and determined but remember that it is okay to be sad and to not understand. My sweet Alix, I love you and I might not know what you are going through but I do know that you need help. You have me or any of the Brewer's players. Hell I bet that if you asked any Cubs player they would lend you a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. I mean look at them they are the dorkiest group of guys that I know and if they would do anything for me they would do anything for you."
"Thank you Kyle. I just thought she would have beat it. I mean everyone else in my family has and I don't understand why it was her. I don't think that I have fully grasped the fact that she is gone from this world and that I will never see her again. The last time I saw her in person was Thanksgiving and I think the last thing I told her was 'bye see you soon'. We talked about football, school, and fish at that thanksgiving."
"Alix where are you sitting right now?"
"Uh, center field."
"At what baseball Field?"
"Miller Park. Why is that important right now?"
"You chose to come to work when you family is suffering. You are in a place that most people wouldn't come in a time of grief. Go home, Alix, visit family and take that adorable kid of yours with you for a few days off. You guys need it. I will see you soon M." He said getting up while patting my leg.
He was right in a time of grief I should be in a church or in my room crying but here I am in center field at Miller Park. I guess that my safe place to think and to feel is at a baseball field. I look up to see Brent and Chris walking my way laughing about something that Chris probably said. They finally look at me and their faces go from happy and joyous to concern. They sit next to me and both grab one of my hands.
"I have only told you guys about my cousin being sick and well she passed away yesterday. She didn't make it. She was my baby cousin on that side of the family. She didn't deserve this. I am going to take a few days off and go visit with family and I don't want to tell the team yet about how she died can you please keep it a secret too. I will tell them when I get back."
"No problem short stuff and take your time, you have been through hell. Are you taking Brendan with you are do you want us to watch him for you?" Brent asks me.
"I am going to take him with me and have him meet family. Get to know his cousins and extended family since we don't really see them much throughout the year. Thanks for the offer though."
They guys get up to go back to the club house and I get up to go to my office to email the right people that I am going to be out for a few days and who needs to do what. Little did I know what the team would do for my family in the following days to come.
Two days later I am sitting the third row of the church I hear a large amount of foot traffic come in and not thinking of it I keep looking ahead. I see someone sit next to me and without hesitation they grab my hand; trying to pull my hand away I finally look over to see who was holding my hand. Orlando of all players was sitting there holding on to some of the sanity that I had left. The kid that is only days younger than me and doesn't know enough English to communicate well yet with most of his teammates he has learned a few lines from me since he has been called up. I had also learned a few things from him.
"Mi amor, mirar alrededor."
Looking around I not only see the Brewers team and their families but also the Cubs team and their families. They took up most of the church but that isn't all they did that night to make my life easier. They didn't have to accompany me due to the fact that they have a game tonight against each other. The fact that they should be in the midst of getting ready for a game they are here at funeral that most of them don't even know.
I saw Kyle looking at me as I was looking around and we had a brief moment of eye contact. I gave him a wink knowing that he would understand what I was trying to communicate.
I have learned a lot just in the time coming into the church and saying hi to my family. That it is okay to be sad, to not understand, to not be okay, to be confused, to be happy, to cry, to meet new people and to fight for life. In the past six years I have lost a lot of people to many different reasons. I wish that I could have seen them all one last time before they passed away but that is not how God works. I finally cried for someone that was longer than a few tears. I now know what is like to lose someone to cancer and I would never wish it on my worst enemy to get cancer or lose someone to cancer. I wish that I knew before this day that it's okay to feel lost and alone but to also know that other people understand.
Orlando stayed with me the whole time and held my hand through almost the whole service. As the service ended we walked outside to main entrance of the church. I walked with my brother on one side of me and Orlando on the other knowing that the guys are close behind. The Brewers all gave me a hug and their best wishes and then came the awkward hugs from the Cubs. The only one that wasn't awkward was with Kyle which I had known for a few years now.
Then came Javier Baez and his turn to do an awkward hug. I thought I knew what his family had gone through with his sister having Spina Bifida but cancer was a whole different ball game. The look in his eyes said a different story. His eyes said he knows, he understands what it's like to lose someone so close to you and his eyes are pleading with me in a way I don't understand. His hug is a lot different than the quick I'm sorry for your loss hug. It's a genuine hug that relieves some of my stress, my pain, my not understanding of what exactly is going on.
"Javier, when does it start to feel real?"
"Honestly I don't know."
