Heebie Jeebies (Scömìche)

Heebie Jeebies (part 1)

"Oh, um, right, sure," he stutters, moving into what I assume is the main living area. It's hard to say for sure because it's been turned upside down; furniture is literally strewn everywhere; there's a broken lamp and half the pictures are hanging askew on the walls. It almost looks like a small tornado has passed through. But there's no sign of the woman. I look at him; he's hugging the wall like he's afraid to go any further.

I look around, and just as I'm about to step further into the room he makes a strangled noise and freezes, "No, don't," he urges.

I follow his line of sight down to the middle of the room. A bunch of bananas lies in the middle of the floor and his gaze is glued to them with an expression of horror. Great. He must be high, I think. Fucking perfect. But then I see it too. The bananas aren't the scary bit. Nope. The fuck - off massive spider that's working it's way out from the bunch is. It's enormous.  And hairy. And fucking enormous; did I mention that? Did I also mention how much I hate spiders. Like really fucking hate them? For a crazy millisecond I think about shooting the fucking thing.

As the spider moves out towards us I hear the same high pitched shriek that drew me here and look round to see this six-foot-something man-mountain run behind me. Looking back at the spider I see it raise itself on it's hind legs and wave it's front legs in the air. I might find it funny if I didn't know what it was. Holy crap.

"Fuck," I say out loud, stepping back instinctively. I bump into the man behind me, throwing him off balance slightly. He grabs my shoulders and again I have to fight the instinct to shoot. I press the safety back and pull one hand away from my gun, pointing it away from both of us. Jesus. Keep your shit together, Mitch. You're a trained officer, for fuck's sake. Let's not get jumpy and accidentally put a bullet in anyone because of a spider. Even if it is the physical manifestation of pure evil. And let's be honest; I'd never hear the end of it back at the station. I can already imagine how many times I'd come in to find bananas on my desk if I file that report. So not worth it.

The spider moves forwards again; I swear it's actually going for us, and now there are two sets of screams as we both turn and try to simultaneously scramble through the doorway back into the hall.

"What the fuck is it?" he asks, panicked.

"The bananas; is that where it came from?" I ask, turning my head to watch the spider, not wanting it to escape my sight.

"Yes; It was sat on something white," he says.

Shit. Egg sac. Ugh. I can feel my skin crawling. "It's a really fucking nasty spider," I say with conviction.

"Yeah, thanks for that, captain obvious," he snarks, "So glad you could confirm that for me."

I sigh, I'll let him have that one. We're both on edge; and he's kinda cute. "No; I mean it. It's a Brazilian wandering spider. They're deadly venomous and aggressive little fuckers too, by all accounts." I pause, time to rethink. I was all geared up for negotiating a domestic and, instead, it appears I'm pest control. "Do you have a plastic bag - without holes?" I ask, "and a freezer, and, like, a large jar or vase, and, um, also tongs?"

He looks at me questioningly, but nods his head, "Um, sure... freezer's in the kitchen, and, yeah; I'll grab the rest."

As he leaves I take note of the aerosol in his hand again. "Oh, wait; is that bug spray?" I ask.  No idea if it'd work against that fucker; but it's not a bad idea as a plan B.

"Um, no, no, that would make sense, but um, this is... um, hairspray." I'm still staring the spider down, but I can hear the sheepishness in his voice and can't help snorting.