Do I Wanna Know

Chapter 10

Finally getting to my own room I had to take a very deep breath. It still hadn’t sunk in. I definitely needed a cigarette now. Reaching into my pockets to find a lighter, I found the note from Camila scrunched up instead. I pulled it out and read it again. I was caught in this very weird state of not having processed what happened and being absolutely devastated when I thought of the consequences. Camila’s last words kept echoing in my head and I regretted not telling her how I felt when I had the chance. My stomach turned just thinking about the fact that Camila dismissed my feelings as a need for comfort. Sure, I was lonely and craving some sort of affection but it was so much more with her. It always had been.

Before I knew it I was dialing her number and called her. She didn’t want me to but maybe she just wanted me to fight for her. There had to be a way I could fix this. I only needed to talk to her but she didn’t pick up. Frustrated I threw my phone on my bed and picked up my cigarettes when I heard a familiar voice outside of my door.

“Lauren? Are you decent?”, Normani asked and I couldn’t help but blush. I walked over to the door and let her in. She seemed more composed than before.

“I’m going outside for a smoke”, I said in a raspy voice and pointed to the balcony of my room.

“Great, I’ll join you”, she said and I was not sure why she was here. We went on the balcony anyways and I lit the cigarette, inhaling very deeply for the first time. Even though I loved Normani and she was one of my closest friends, my closest friend actually, I was scared of what might come out of her mouth. She was also very close with Camila and who knew what this conversation would amount to. I decided to be quiet, sit down and wait for her to start.

“This is probably none of my business but I’m worried”, she said and I inhaled once more. “Whatever happened between you two, you should really be careful, Lauren. This is not just a random hook up. This could be…detrimental to your friendship because Camila may have changed a lot but I’m not sure if she’s going to handle this well.”

Of course Normani thought I was just having a one night stand with Camila, I thought annoyed. Granted, she had no idea what had already happened in the past. No one knew. She only knew that Camila used to have very strong feelings, not that we actually acted on them, or that I was the one falling for the brown eyed girl right now. I didn’t want to explain it all because I was still so wrapped up in everything that had happened just hours ago.

“I’m not taking advantage of her, if that’s what you’re saying”, I replied defensively.

“I’m not saying that. And contrary to what you’re thinking, I’m not taking sides here. I just think you should be mindful of…”

“I love her”, I interrupted her suddenly and even surprised myself with that confession. Normani was being quiet now and looked dumbfounded. I never used that word in connection to someone else because I was so afraid of losing someone that I loved that I refused to love anything. “You’re probably not going to believe me because Camila won’t even believe me but I do.”

My voice was getting rather shaky and I looked at the view from the balcony instead of my friend’s eyes. I was afraid of her reaction.

“You told her that?”, she asked and seemed genuinely concerned.

“I tried but she wasn’t really…receptive. She thinks I’m lonely and just need someone; anyone. When in reality I only need her”, I said and it was almost like I was confessing all of this to myself as well. “She says she needs time.”

“Then you should give it to her”, Normani said softly.

I knew she was right but my heart ached in a way that was excruciating. It felt like I was never enough for Camila. No matter how close we got and how much things changed, the ending stayed the same: Camila left me. That realization alone was too much for me to stomach and I’d rather been in denial. But I couldn’t be anymore. Ever since she had shown up in my dressing room, the blinders had fallen off. I was in love with her and I always had been.