Do I Wanna Know

Chapter 8

“I’m very sorry for going off on you last night”, she apologized. “I never should’ve gone about things the way I have and I didn’t want to ambush you. There was some pent up tension that needed some release but I never wanted you to feel…feel so badly that you felt, you had to take such extreme measures to make yourself feel good again.”

My heart sank when I heard her heavenly voice crack at the end. She blamed herself for me getting high at her birthday. Could she be any more caring? It killed me to see her this affected by my own mistakes because she had every right to yell at me or be angry with me. Instead she was compassionate and I didn’t understand why I deserved her even being a part of my life again.

“Camila, it wasn’t your fault. I hadn’t slept in 48 hours and my body…” I tried to justify but she interrupted me softly.

“You don’t have to explain, Lauren. I’m not here to pass judgment because I’ve told you already that I can’t even comprehend the amount of stress and anxiety you probably endure every day and have endured for the last ten years. All I want to say is that I am sorry if I contributed to any more of that and I’m always here to talk…whenever you’re ready.”

I didn’t know what to say. Her empathy and understanding ways were overwhelming. My mouth was dry as I drowned in those warm, brown of her eyes. There were so many things I wanted to say but nothing came out. It took me a while to actually calm myself down to a point where my mouth would open and form sensible sentences.

“I need you to know something as well”, I said hesitantly because this was long overdue. Last night had opened my eyes and I wanted her to understand my side of things. Remembering her words when she had questioned me about not drinking during the game was the catalyst for me opening up.

“I was never ashamed of what we did”, I admitted genuinely and saw her face soften because I finally answered one of her many questions. “But I thought you were. The closer we got, the harder you pushed me away afterwards. That’s why I never would have expected you to feel the way you did. Maybe I wasn’t aware of your feelings and couldn’t reciprocate them then but I want you to know that…it was special to me as well. I hate knowing that you might think it was all just a game because it wasn’t.”

My fingers were almost trembling as I spoke because I was touching on a subject that was so delicate and beautiful, I didn’t want to ruin it. Camila smiled warmly which reassured me.

“I know “, she said and her voice was shaky. “And I always knew that you cared about me on deep level although you didn’t feel the same way I did. It was the reason why I was able to give myself to you so willingly.” Her eyes were starting to get watery and I felt the same thing happening to me. “I don’t regret that. I never have and you need to know that. Being with you was…it was the most magical and perfect night I ever could have envisioned. I remember feeling so fulfilled and safe.”

I felt like my chest was going to burst because my heart was beating so wildly when Camila talked so honestly and beautifully about her feelings. My emotions were running wild because there were so many memories I recalled but also tried listening to every word that left her perfect lips. This was a big step for us because we had never talked about everything that had happened. Seeing her get so emotional as well was sparking some hope. Hope of what?, I asked myself.

“The only thing I do regret is the way I treated you a lot of the times”, she continued making my eyes fill even more with tears. “Distancing myself from you was my only way of coping with these overwhelming feelings I had. There was no one I could really talk to about us and that made it even harder. Ignoring you was incredibly difficult but it was less painful than facing the fact that I had fallen in love with someone unattainable. It wasn’t fair of me but I hope you’ll forgive me at some point.”