Melia-Irrevocable Journey (Sequel to Irrevocable Quest)

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"It feels like I do deserve it." She muttered as she scooted over to allow Megan to sit down, but then changed her mind and scooted the other direction so they could all sit on the bed with Megan in the middle next to her new husband.

Steve sighed and then changed the subject. It was time to lighten this mood up. He began rehearsing some favorite memories from their shared childhood. Different truth or dare games, rope swing escapades, movies they'd watched, summers spent camping or on horseback, in Montana or Alaska, or at the beach, working the concession stands at lifeguard station five. He remembered ice cream and nachos, surfing, and swimming, running on the beach and beach volleyball. After a while he succeeded in reminding the girls that they had a shared past that wasn't all that bad. They could get back to those times, and create new memories as well, if they tried. It wasn't all that long ago, and yes, many things had changed, but they were still the same girls.

Megan and Hannah had fallen asleep on his shoulder and chest, and he simply sat there, uncomfortable, but feeling better for having gotten at least to a portion of the complicated bottom of this situation. He glanced at Melia, her eyes were far away. "You okay?"

She shook her head slightly, barely even a fraction. "No." she said softly. "I'm not okay. Not really."

"You want me to take you home?"

She sighed and glanced at him gratefully. "No, I'll stick it out. But I appreciate you coming in here tonight. It means a lot more than you know."

"I'll always be your friend, Mia." He said and reached around Megan to give her a slight neck squeeze. "But you should know something. You said that you think you do deserve what is happening to you. Why is that, may I ask?"

Melia trembled as the conversation swung back that way. She didn't think she could discuss this subject with anyone really. She couldn't answer.

"I have a theory. May I test it? You just nod if anything I say hits a chord."

Melia's eyes rose to meet his and then she shuddered, hugging her knees to her chest.

"What's eating you isn't a guy. It's not Ryan, really, and not Jared."

Melia stared straight ahead at the wallpapered wall, her eyes narrowed, and her heart beating too fast.

"What's bothering you is that you don't know how to repent of breaking your covenants and you feel guilty, ashamed and you can't feel the spirit."

Melia buried her face in her knees now and shook with the sudden onslaught of tears.

"The Melia I knew was the one who bore her testimony every fast Sunday. The one who planned Family Home Evenings, and who got her Young Women's Award. The Melia who dressed modestly, and kept her covenants."

Knives were sticking out of her back right about now, she thought. He is stabbing me, opening old wounds better left to rot and fester.

"You're wondering what the hell happened to that girl? How could this be my life?"

She managed to look up. "Part of me is really hurt and angry, and part of me is so ashamed I can't stand it. And I don't know why I should be ashamed, I love Jared, I love the girls. I'm living with the consequences."

"And you will, forever, but you're also not allowing yourself to be forgiven."

"I have repented. I think. I've confessed to a Bishop, and followed his directions for..."

"Christ has forgiven you, Melia. You need to forgive yourself." Steve's eyes were tender, loving, and very honest.

She couldn't answer. How did one forgive themselves?

Steve patted her shoulder. "Time." He nodded sincerely. "Why don't you try and take a nap while the girls are content? I promise I'll keep watch for you, and tomorrow, Megan and I will keep Hannah out of trouble for you, okay?"

*****