Sex Lessons | L.H

54. Talk

I realized this would be harder than I thought, and that Calum was right when he said a simple 'sorry' wouldn't fix it. I didn't know what I was going to do to get us back to where we were, but like I told her, I was going to try.

"I know, and it was stupid of me to pursue you with the wrong intentions, but I never wanted this to happen. I felt like the only way to keep you safe was to get him out of your life. I felt like that was my job as your best friend," I argued. I didn't want to fight, and I was sure she didn't want to either, but we had to get through this rough patch one way or another.

"I can handle myself, I'm a big girl. If I knew what was going on, I wouldn't have put myself in certain predicaments," she told me softly. "I just feel like this is all one big lie, everything we've ever done."

All that she was saying was slowly crushing my heart because she sounded so hurt, and it was all my fault. I think everything important that I had to say, I put it in my letter to her. I couldn't think of anything else at worst possible time.

"It hasn't been, I promise. I just want you to be happy," I responded.

"I just want to be happy too," she agreed. "We were doing so well." Kate brought her legs up to her chest, and rested her head between them. I knew she was upset, but I didn't know the extent of it until today.

"Yeah," I sighed. The conversation was dying out, but I still felt like there was more to be said. I was trying to think things to keep it alive, but I was out of options. Just when I was on the brink of giving up, she spoke.

"I didn't want to fall in love with you again," she confessed. "I somehow knew this would happen to me. Apparently friends can break your heart too."

"Again?" I questioned, not understanding. I didn't know Kate was ever in love with me aside from recently. "And how could have possibly known that? You thought I was going to hurt you?"

"Yeah, the first time was a couple years ago, but I thought you didn't like me, so I built a wall against those feelings for you. Also, I knew this was all to good to be true because everything that happens to me is just that. There was no way I could be happy without a catch," she explained. It was painful to hear and even more painful to be aware of someone you loved so much enduring that amount of self doubt.

"Why didn't you tell me, Kate?" I asked first. "You deserve to be happy and nothing less. It's my fault you're upset, and I"m stupid for being the one who got us into this mess." She lifted her head to look directly at me for the first time since we started this talk.

"I was afraid of getting rejected. It was a lot easier to run from my feelings than face them, the same as you said. I thought we would've been better off if I just kept quiet." A deep sigh left her parted lips, and I just felt the strong urge to hug her and never let go.

"I've loved you for a long time," I admitted out loud. It was a lot harder to say those words than to write them, but it felt so natural to say.

"Same," she sighed again. I really hated seeing her this way.

"Did my letter explain some things a little bit better?"I asked. I just wanted to make sure because I wanted to know that we covered everything and that we weren't avoiding certain topics. I felt like we cleared up most of the thing we could and the rest would fade out over time.

I didn't know where we would go from here.

"It did, and it was really sweet. I loved how open it was, thank you," she complimented. This would've been the part where I kissed her, but that was only a thing of my imagination at this point. You never really know what you have until it's gone.