Buzzkill [Winter Soldier]

Chapter 46

The exhaustion from crying and his mind dancing with memories made it easier for James to fall asleep that night. He wrapped his sleeping bag tight against his body to protect from the winter chill that made its way into the room. Lying next to him, Ruth found it hard to feel tired enough to sleep, and instead, just rested in the peaceful silence, knowing that if James woke up needing to cry some more, she would be there.

It was hard to think about Christmas being a day that no longer meant restriction and a day of mourning the family she used to have. For the first time since she was a young child, Christmas would mean happiness. Ruth couldn't even imagine how much overwhelming emotion the day would mean for James, someone who hadn't even heard the words "Merry Christmas" since 1943.

Even if after this holiday everything was going to change for her - dealing with her nightmares, dealing with her new abilities that would inevitably impact her life, and leaving yet another family she had come to know - it would be ok, because the person she had learned to truly care for, was healing.

On Christmas morning, the two of them set out early to go into some small shops to look for even the smallest gift for each other (since James said that was a huge part of Christmas). Inside the shop, Ruth contently listened to the faint cheerful music playing throughout the building. After Ruth bought what she thought was the perfect gift, she walked past the still-browsing James and sat at a small café table outside the shop. It was only a few minutes after that James walked out with a small gift bag in his hand. They climbed the seemingly endless stair steps back up to their apartment and sat on the floor around their little Christmas tree. Both of them handed each other their gifts and smiled in anticipation for what the other would think.

James unwrapped his gift to see a small polaroid camera. It could take and print a few dozen pictures before James would have to go to a local gas station and buy more film for a couple of dollars.

"I thought it would be easier to save some memories by taking a picture rather than writing it down," Ruth explained with a small smile.

"It's perfect, thank you," James said, returning the smile. "Now open yours."

Ruth took the brightly colored wrapping paper out of the gift bag and pulled out a book from underneath. It was a smaller copy of a book titled Sherlock Holmes. Ruth flipped through the first few pages,

"It's in English," Ruth remarked, smiling.

"Yeah, probably a reason why it was in the sale bin. I know it can be boring around here, so I thought you would like something to read. It's a mystery story, should be interesting." He waited anxiously for Ruth's reaction to see if she would like it.

"I love it. Thank you."

"Merry Christmas, Ruth."

"Merry Christmas, James."

The rest of the day, the two of them spent enjoying their gifts. Ruth found it a little difficult to get into the swing of reading, but was already intrigued by the story. The first picture James took was of the whole apartment with Ruth sitting on the couch hiding her face in her book.

Three days after New Years, Ruth knew she had to leave soon. The sudden and awful realization that she had become too attached to someone seemed to forcefully hit her mind. Neither of them had had any nightmares since Christmas Eve. James hadn't needed her help with memories since the day before Christmas Eve. He was getting better, he didn't need her. To protect James, Ruth knew she had to leave. She couldn't put it off any longer, she had to tell him.

James was sitting at the small kitchen table on the right side of the room drawing something in his notebook when Ruth spoke up,

"James?" Her voice was shaky and her heart raced.

He looked up from his notebook and at Ruth, "Yeah?"

"I need to leave and go to Sweden."

In that instant Ruth could see the expression in his eyes as his heart dropped.

"By yourself?" He asked, his voice low.

"Yes."