Losing Daylight

Summer, about three years ago, that’s when he thought everything went downhill.

She had loved him from the get go. He knew that. And she had loved him even more as the days rolled by, days turning into weeks, weeks turning into months and months rolling into years. The bad thing was that he thought to himself, “Well, this isn’t half bad. I could roll with this”. And so he did.

He loved her too, but not in the same way. But he did try… and he did everything he could. She was happy, which was more than enough for him. But at the back of his mind, there were those nagging questions that wouldn’t go away, questions that he had tried so desperately to ignore since the day he decided to start loving her back.

But he figured he was happy as well because she was his best friend and he’d always been a happy little smurf whenever he did something that put a smile on her face.

No one could ever say that he didn’t try. No one could ever say that he didn’t give his 100% because he did, even going so far as to propose marriage after their college graduation. Of course she said yes. He knew she would. At the back of his mind, he had always known that. He had always known that whatever he asked of her, she would always say yes.

So they made plans, and he thought again, “Yeah, I could roll with this. Definitely.”

But then he met her… and that was when he realized that with “rest of your life scenarios”, it was difficult to just “roll” with things.

So he started to feel different. Those questions at the back of his mind that he oh-so-easily squashed before came back in full force, nagging at him, constantly asking him if he was doing the right thing. He tried to do what he did best, ignore the damn thing, but it would not go away. Not this time.

It wouldn’t shut up.

Her name was Christine and she showed him just how much love can be different when you were truly, madly, deeply, crazily in love with a person. And he was like that with her: truly, madly, deeply, crazily in love. And he didn’t know what to do. He loved his best friend and he didn’t want to hurt her.

He didn’t know what to do.

But, no matter how much he loved his best friend, he didn’t love her that way. Not the same way he loved Christine.

On the morning of their wedding day, he knelt down in front of her and cried his eyes out, begging for her forgiveness because he really, really, absolutely could not go through with this. Not now. Not when he had known what it was like to know love. He begged her forgiveness for everything. He knew he should never have led her on, but how was he supposed to know that Christine would come along?

And so she knelt down in front of him too so that they were eye-level. She kissed his tears away and smiled. His last thought was that she looked so angelic in her wedding dress, before she stood up and disappeared through the doors of the chapel’s waiting room and never looked back.

Her name was Emily and she loved him with all her heart. And he broke that heart, shattered it to tiny little pieces. He broke his best friend’s heart and he wasn’t even there to pick up the pieces.

And she didn’t say anything, not even a word, because that was how much she understood. Perhaps she understood even before he did. She knew, knew it deep within herself. Perhaps she knew it from the get go.

He was unhappy… and he didn’t even know.

***

It was summer time three years later when he saw Emily again.