moods / phan

chapter twenty

"I-I l-love you t-too," Dan says back, faltering on his words and mentally cursing his stutter for what must be the millionth time in his life.

And then Dan turns and walks up the street, the streetlights above him beginning to flicker on as dusk settles itself in the sky. Dan pauses briefly at the end of the street, looking back to see that Phil is still at his door. Phil waves when he sees Dan pause and look back, a minuscule silhouette in the fading light. Dan waves back and resumes walking, but his body is now numb, hollow as his heart is aching slightly.

Phil is standing in the light, bright and shining and his old self again, the pain is gone for him. It was only temporary, Phil isn't destined to be a mess, he wasn't born doomed to be destroyed. Dan, however, is standing in the dark. Even the streetlight above him is flickering, faltering in some way, bathing him in darkness every few seconds. Dan's happiness is only ever temporary, it never lasts long.

Dan keeps walking towards his home, and by the time he finally reaches his own house, the old building with sadness soaking the walls, night has fallen, and the sky is as dark as the line above his head. Dan looks up before he walks inside, but there are no stars to comfort him tonight, no trace of hope or beauty to be seen.

The sky is as empty as Dan himself.

***

That night, Dan stares into a large, dust coated mirror which sits against the wall of his bedroom because it was never properly hung on his wall.

He looks at himself, at his reflection. He can't help but notice how extremely ordinary he is as a human being, actually he's more below ordinary. There's nothing Dan can think of, not even one single reason, as to why Phil Lester (actual sunshine in human form) would ever love him.

His eyes are dark, the brown hardly noticeable unless he's in the light and more feminine than he cares to admit. His skin is plain, only a few freckles dotted on the barren plain that is his skin. The tan he once had has long left him also, making him just one shade lighter than snow. Then there's his hair, which is dry and dead looking due to his daily excessive straighten and hairspray routine in order to achieve his '2007-cool-emo-grunge' fringe.

Then there's his actual body. His lanky limbs, too-big hands, a rounder stomach than he'd like. His body is too soft, boys are supposed to be all bone and muscle, not rounded edges and soft features. He dislikes how jeans always seem to slip down over his deformed ass, even when he uses belts, he dislikes how shirts and jumpers look on him, the sleeves always too short or the shirt too large for his smaller shoulders to fill.

Dan feels like he and normal life are kind of like that, normal being a shirt he will never be able to fit into properly; something will always be slightly off.

Dan frowns at his reflection, as his eyes flicker up to his so-called 'mood'. The stupid, stubborn, life destroying, soul shattering black line which has prevented Dan from basically living for his whole life.

There's another reason for Phil not to love him, he's not even fucking structured properly. And there's his stutter, which he doesn't even know when he picked up, but it came along for the free ride to hell aboard the Dan's-Life Express, the one-way train which is full of flaws.

The more Dan stares at his reflection, the more he his mind builds up his already large amount of hatred for himself. He can't let Phil love him, he wants Phil to get everything he deserves, and Dan doesn't meet his expectations - he'll just drag Phil down with him, underwater where they'll both sink, and he can't have that. Phil needs to love someone who isn't a total mess, who can be the perfect significant other for him.

Dan can't be that person, as much as he wishes he could be. God, he wishes he could be. He'd give up all the stars in the sky, all the love in his cracking heart, all the happiness which he could ever possess just so he could be the right person for Phil, so he could be enough.

But he can't. He will never be enough. Then something in his mind snaps, and everything is happening suddenly, too fast for Dan's mind to comprehend and place into logical scenarios and explanations. He's lost control of himself.

Mirror shattered.

Heart shattered.

Blood on his hand.

Pain.

Glass everywhere.

Glass in his fist.

Mind gone.

Pain still there.

Heart gone.

But there's still fucking pain.

*************

an// well there's a hectic ass chapter. sorry for the wait!!

I haven't written in so long and I think my writing has slightly evolved, I'm sorry if it's worse now haha.

please leave a vote and comment if you liked it! I really appreciate it :)

I think I'll update more because I forgot how much I actually love writing even though my books are literal shit so yay!

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