A Beginner's Guide To Christmas

Christmas Eve: Last Minute Shopping - Part II

The tree was righted, I apologised to Stephen and Aubrey - repeatedly - and then Mum gave me a shopping list. 

'You'll have to hurry. The shops will be closing soon.' 

'You could have sent Stephen while I was helping the kids with the tree.' 

Mum gasped, actually gasped, the great big drama queen. 'Your brother has just been on an eight-hour flight. The last thing he needs is to be traipsing around the supermarket.' 

'Fine.' I snatched the list and gave it a glance. Potatoes, sprouts, carrots, parsnips and crackers. I could manage that. 

Stephen stretched and stifled a yawn. 'Do you think that you could take the kids with you? We could do with a rest for half an hour.' 

Was he taking the piss? 'You've got to be kidding me. The shop will be packed with people who have left it to the last minute.' I glared at Mum. 'And you want me to tackle that with three kids in tow?' 

'Your brother has been on an eight-hour flight,' Mum pointed out, as though I didn't already know. 

'They're really good. They won't wander off or anything,' Aubrey piped up, but then she would say that, wouldn't she? She was desperate to pawn them off on the first available sucker. 

'Fine. Whatever.' I didn't have the energy to fight. 

Lesson 13: Never ever venture into a supermarket on Christmas Eve. 

Lesson 14: Never ever venture into a supermarket with kids in tow at any time of the year, but especially not at Christmas. 

'Aunty Ruth, can I have these?' 

'No, Austin. Grandma will have loads of sweets at the house and we'll be having tea soon.' 

'Aunty Ruth, can I have one of these?' 

'No, Riley. You'll be getting loads of presents tomorrow. You don't need a new doll today.' 

'Aunty Ruth, can I have these?' 

'No, Austin. I don't know if you're allowed bubble gum.' 

'Aunty Ruth, can I have this?' 

'Really? You want an onion? Ryder, can you stop putting stuff in the trolley please?' 

'Aunty -' 

'No.' 

'Can -' 

'No. Seriously, Ryder. Stop grabbing things off the shelf.' 

'Aunty Ruth, can I have these?' 

'No, Riley. You don't need tampons.' 

'But they're pink.' 

'Where did that olive loaf come from?' 

'Aunty Ruth?' 

'I've changed my name.' 

'What is it?' 

'I'm deaf.' 

'Aunty Deaf?' 

'Hey, Ryder. Can you say "Daddy is a big piece of poo"?' 

I was ready for screaming by the time we made it back home. And I mean a good old they're-going-to-section-me-if-I-don't-stop-right-now screaming session. How did parents manage this on a regular basis? 

'What are these?' Instead of kissing my feet in gratitude, Mum was inspecting the shopping bags and had pulled out an item, thrusting it at me. 

'It's a packet of crackers.' Obviously. 

'I meant crackers you pull, not a packet of bloody Jacob's.' 

Lesson 15: Always make sure you know exactly what you're shopping for, even if you have a list. 

'I thought they were for the Boxing Day buffet. To go with cheese.' 

'You'll have to go back.' 

'I can't.' I'd end up in a strait-jacket if I had to step foot in the supermarket again today. We'd had to queue for forty-five minutes at the checkout (partly because Riley needed a wee and we'd had to join the back of the queue again afterwards). Forty-five minutes trapped with kids is an awfully long time and I never wanted to see the inside of a supermarket again. 'It's closed now. They were telling people to pay for their items over the tannoy when we left.' 

'Well then.' Mum shoved the packet of crackers in the cupboard. They'd be reduced to dust if she carried on like that. And then what would we have with our cheese? 'You'll have to make some. You can't have Christmas without a cracker to pull and it'll be a nice activity for the kids. Pop next door and ask Mrs Jeffries if she's got any toilet roll tubes. I bet she has, she hoards everything.' 

Unfortunately, Mrs Jeffries had a whole carrier bag full of toilet roll tubes (you never know when they'll come in handy, apparently) so Austin, Riley and I made the crackers with leftover wrapping paper and small items I found around the house as novelty gifts. When we'd finished, Mum helpfully provided us with Christmas colouring books and a pack of felt tips as we were 'feeling creative'. Ryder managed to toddle over and swipe a felt tip without me noticing and his mouth was bright blue before he was found sucking it under the table. 

'Why weren't you watching him?' Stephen demanded while Aubrey scrubbed at their son's tongue with a wet tea towel. 

'Why weren't you watching him? He's your son.' 

'Your brother is supposed to be resting,' Mum chipped in. 'He's been on an eight-hour flight.' 

I wanted to take that eight-hour flight and kick it up its arse.