Three Years

Midnight Thoughts: 3

Life seemed unavoidable, everything seemed unavoidable.  My mother would return soon, and I was curled up in a ball of pain and misery, self-pity, and self-hate. Everything that was wrong with my life  flashed through my head as I sat there, and every time, these thoughts would bring a flood of tears upon my eyeliner smudged face. I'm sure if one of my older sisters would have been home, they would have  held me and whispered sweet nothings that would get me through this endless night, but they weren't home, one wasn't even in the country, so I was left alone to fix whatever problems I may be having. I hadn't talked to them in months, if it was work or school or bad timing on my part, I felt bad, but most of the time, it was them with wedding plans, working on their careers, talking through differnet time zones, actually living a real life in the real world. There was nothing I could do about this, they were adults, they deserved to be free and live life, but that didn't mean the occasional call would destroy their new found happiness, but then again, I wasn't around when my dad was still alive.

He was a great man as I heard.  He was caring and compassionate, but also strong and brave. The perfect father, man, husband, friend, everything, he was just what everyone wanted. He died in a mysterious way though. I don't even know the truth, his death is a topic spoken about only in whispers and behind closed doors. I've heard it was murder, suicide, a car accident, too much to drink, and trying to defend us from some sort of attacker. In all honesty, I like to think he had to leave, like Jay had to leave me. Three years for Jay, forever for dad. I don't really believe that he's still alive somewhere, but the thought makes dealing with it much easier, and besides, who's to say he isn't still alive somewhere, even if its not here on earth. My family says it's why mom goes "out" so much now a days, she wants to forget, she wants to get rid of the memory. I think its why my sisters don't call much, they always blamed mom for whatever had happened to dad, and bringing the past into their current lives might just ruin their happiness.

Thinking about the absence of life in my house, and the absence of my father, an amazing man I'd never meet, I realized that everything I'd envisioned him to be was Jay. Jay was strong but sweet, confident, but not cocky, a man, a real man that made me feel safe and good. Jay was a man like my father, a man I'd been waiting for my entire life. Maybe I'll call my sister, Katrina, Kat, as we know her, she always was good with boys, she is the most experienced after all.

I picked up the home phone and dialed her number. There were about 7 rings before a very groggy Kat answered.

"Hello, who is this, its...2 in the morning!"

"Oh, its Emma, I just, I just had..." I broke down again, crying, mubling incoherent things, hoping she understood, hoping she didn't mind hearing my sniffles.

"Are you done yet, my gosh, whats so devastating that you must cry like a child? Seriously, get over yourself Emma, I'm tired, goodnight."

And the line went dead, so that's what it feels like to be entirely rejected by the one person you thought would stand by you you're entire life.  I was never very close with my sisters, but family is family, and just as I supported Kat and Gina when they were going through rough times, I expected them to support me now. It was odd thinking of all the times I had made myself available for them to confide in me, and now, I couldn't even get a few kind words in. Thinking of it now, I had never really talked to them about myself, they never seemed interested, but I was always right there for them. On this type of night, when I could swear that my life was falling apart, I would usually talk to Jay, but that wont happen for a long time now.