HeartBreaker | Book 1

Letter from my Lover

Chapter Thirty-Three
Letter from my Lover

Sunday afternoon.

Even after the mountains of paperwork I've had to sign this week, and the amount of money that's been flying into my account, not to mention the euphoric sense of excitement I've been feeling as the new owner of a café.

I still can't stop mind from thinking about her.

Though it mainly happens now in my sleep.

But I figured, I can't spend every second of my life in misery, especially since things are going better than I could've ever imagined.

I have a mother in my life again.

I'm an owner of a café.

This means so many things, it means I have a future, it means that I won't have to spend the last seconds of my life working for Ramen, it means that I could spend the rest of my life, doing what I feel, I was put on earth to do.

Needless to say that yesterday, I quit my job.

I figure if I don't need the money, I shouldn't waste a second cleaning up the streets.

Jeremy was heartbroken.

Even after I assured him that I'll keep in touch. A friendship with him doesn't seem like such a diabolical thing, like I made it to be a couple months ago.

I figure I could use a friend like him.

For years, I dreamt of the day I would quit my job.

I'd daydream about throwing my uniform in Ramen's face as I cuss him out and shove my middle fingers in his face.

But yesterday, I shook his hand and wished him all the best.

Inner growth. Inner peace.

Desirae would be proud of the person I've become.

Madison, would be proud of the person I've always been.

For once, I'm proud of me.

I'm on my dining table filing some paperwork on this quiet afternoon when my mother walks in carrying her briefcase, bags filled with Chinese takeout and mail between her fingers.

I get up and help her in, taking some of the bags out of her grip.

"How's it going?" she asks partly out of breath.

"Nearly done."

She hands me some mail she picked up from my mailbox and I smile appreciatively.

"Mainly more sheets that need to be signed, a few bills... There's also a letter in there for you... from someone called Desirae Wiley."

"Desirae?"

I flick through the mail and I come across one in a pale blue envelope with Desirae's name printed on it in her curly handwriting.

I walk across my apartment and I sit on the couch by the window.

I open the handwritten letter.

I smile to myself. I can't help but appreciate the artist in Desirae, despite the technological era we live in, she sends me a handwritten letter. Incredible.

I take a deep breath and I read:

Dear, Chris.

I am so sorry. I can't say that enough.

If you ever get this letter, I just want you to know, I am sorry that, (this part of the letter is heavily scribbled over)

I'm sorry for everything Chris.

Your heart is not a toy, but I played with it like it was.

What can I say? We burned out. We know how to hurt each other and push each other's buttons, but I know, I've never loved someone the way I love you.

And I also want to say thank you. Thank you for repairing my sculpture, (The art professors liked it better than the original!)

But also, thank you for everything Chris.

You saw a light in me at a time I couldn't see it in myself.

I truly appreciate everything we had and I loved everything you were; I wouldn't take any of it back.

Please don't ever think I'm letting it go. Letting you go.

You'll always have a special place in my heart. And I only hope that I'll have a special place in yours.

But I can understand if you've moved on and like everything, I'm too late.

But if you would ever like to say goodbye...

My flight departs this Sunday, 7:30pm.

I would love to see your face, hear your voice, feel your touch, one last time...

I know this letter might not fix everything, correct all our wrongdoings but I couldn't live with myself knowing I let you get away.

The feelings I have for you are too strong to ignore.

If nothing comes out if this and this is truly the end, at least we tried. At least I tried.

I truly wish you nothing but the best in life.

I hope that one day, you find someone who loves you like I do or more.

With only love,

Desirae

I sit for a moment, staring at the letter blankly, trying to take it all in.

It's a tragic story. We are a tragic story, two people, perfect for each other, but terrible timing.

Long distance is too far out of the question, the thought of not seeing Desirae for three years is sickening.

My heart is heavy with sadness. Just when I was staring to heal, I get another stab to the heart.

I should be glad she reached out to me, but I've never felt more miserable.

She's leaving. It's official. I'm forced to say another goodbye to someone I love so dearly.

Somehow saying goodbye on good terms rather than saying goodbye on bad terms, hurts so much more.

"Are you okay Chris?" asks my mother.

"Yeah," I clear my throat, "it's the girl I told you about... Desirae? She wrote to me telling me she's leaving... and she'd like to see me one more time before she does."

My mother looks at me sympathetically.

"Would you?" she asks.

I think for a moment.

"No" I answer honestly and I'm almost as shocked with my answer as she is.

"I hate saying goodbye mum... I've had to do it so many times in my life and the pain is so hard to recover from... I don't want to hurt myself."

"Sometimes, for the people you love, the pain? It's worth it."

This resonates with me for a moment.

"And it isn't really goodbye Chris... its more of a... 'until we meet again.'"

I try to come up with excuses in my head to stop myself from being persuaded.

"Chris... I've learnt in life that, it's not the things we did do that hurt us the most... it's the things we don't do."

I can't let her go.

I look deeply into my mother's eyes and I nod.

I know what to do.

I pick up my phone and dial the last number I called.

"Hey Chris, what's up dude?" greets Jeremy's enthusiastic voice.

"Hey man, are you doing anything?"

"Nah, mate, why?"

"I need you to drive me to Melbourne airport."