I'M A BITCH

"You're a real bitch!", that was poor Nicca yelling at me the other day on the phone.

Who's Nicca? Well, she just happened to be Bien's wife, while Bien just happened to be my lover.

Bitch. Many had called me that. Even my own parents regarded me so. There was only one person who loved me and believed in me despite of, only Jasmin.

Jasmin's my younger sister. We were six children in the family, four boys and us, two girls. Fortunately, I turned out to be the blacksheep. That was what they say, so I thought I might as well portray the role very well. I dropped school before I finished secondary level (afterall, I'm a birdbrain as my brothers told me). Then I left home after father yelled at me in public, embarrassing me, telling me I'm useless.

Being alone, I hopped from one of my friends home to another at first. Until finally, I agreed to live with my boyfriend, Alex, at age sixteen. When the relationship was too bickering for comfort, I left him without much ado.

Then I had my trial-and-error affairs – there was Jonas, Patrick, Sam, etc. But as time went by, as I shared the bed with different men, I also learned how to benefit myself at their expense. Mr. Wong gave me a car, Ceazar bought me a condo unit, and others made it in cash and in kind. Maybe in this aspect, I've used my scanty brain at last.

However, I must admit that my life was a real jumble. I attempted suicide thrice. I really laugh at myself each time I think of my unsuccessful tries. With this I'd like to believe that my brothers were right. I'm really dumb. Imagine, I can't even kill myself right, haha. I just wasted money on hospital bills!

But through all these mess, Jasmin was there. She was the only one by my side since my family disowned me right after I left home. Jasmin snuck her way to me every once in awhile. She was not only a sister to me, she was my bestfriend. And for that I promised myself I'll always be there for her too, that I'd do anything for her, to love her and protect her.

Yes, Jasmin may had been the family's favorite – the good one, the smart one, the patient, the kind (thank goodness they can't deny the fact that I'm prettier, haha!). Nevertheless, I felt no ire, jealousy nor envy towards her, for she didn't mind the comment and the treatment at all. She told everybody that all she knew was I am her sister, and that she loves me, period. She was the only person in the family who didn't feel ashamed of hanging out with me (though done discreetly and so seldom), and of letting other people know we're sisters. All the rest wanted to obliterate me. Oh well, they had their reasons, and I totally understand.

And so I lived a hellish life down here on earth. I've learned to accept that. Got no choice anyway. Many times I looked for a chance to live a new life then. I loved and trusted, but nobody dared try to make it true with a woman with such a past.

Thus I continued with my subtle whoring. At least I belong to the "elite" group – I choose when, with whom, and how much (like Pretty Woman).   I'd learned to make myself comfortable with it by possessing a marble heart and dead emotions. Living with wanton people, I made it a point never to be at the losing end.

Yet when that particular event happened, I lost total grip of myself, I felt the whole world crumbled down on me – that was when I lost Jasmin, when she took her own life!

All I remember was that she was in love. From her stories then, I learned about the man. That he was a successful businessman, that he was so sweet and caring, and that he was dead serious with Jasmin, soon to be marrying her. I was so happy for her. At least my sister was going to live a wonderful life, I told myself. I'm fine to shoulder all the madness of the world as long as she settles well and lives happily.