The Cuckoo Colloquium

10 - Dim

Dim didn't get the concept of combustion, and the challenges of an on-board fire overwhelmed him.

Where had it come from? Its origin may have been one of electricity-The wiring on the boat was, at best, faulty; it dangled here and there like noodles with the rabies disease. Others had rigged up stereos and fans, all sorts of ceremonial appliances, and no one took notice of the wires that were chafing against the sharp-edged, vibrating bulkhead.

But he did what he could; he studied the growing blaze and how best to extinguish it, while his five tourists stood there, tilting their heads like big dogs that didn't understand a command, expecting water in the dry season; they were just gawking at him like it was some disaster drill, as he tried to smother the fire with a plastic picnic tarp.

The Canadian girl, Nini, gaped at the growing blaze like some owl in a tree, and then said something like, "On a boat fire, there is no place to go but overboard, and I came prepared." She pulled down the side of her pants to show everyone her swimsuit, the one she thought she was going to wear at the waterfall.

Then the dark-skinned Puso said, "But that violates the second rule of boating, which is, I believe, to stay with the boat."

The tourists were squabbling about boating rules, and no one was helping Dim put out the fire!

This was not so funny anymore. It was like the tourists were all home sitting on their soft furniture and watching some television show about a fire on a boat. And the others were looking stupid, still trying to make sense of the seasons of the year!

The tarp caught fire and flamed up, and he tossed it over the side, burning his hand a little. Then he threw open the small cupboard and storage locker doors in a search for the extinguishers.

Meanwhile, the big one, Moonch, sauntered to the bow of the boat, as far from Dim's laboring as she could get. And the Japanese girl, together with the old man, stood there listening to the debate about boat rules, as if that was the important thing going on.

"You'll enjoy this irony," Puso said as if sharing some secret, "If enough of what the boat is floating on can be brought into the boat, this puts out the fire, solves the problem..."

Yes! Dim took off his hat, dipped it into the water, and brought it up to douse the obstinate flames.

Nini nodded and then said, "But that would violate the first law of boating-keep the water outside the boat."

Dim poised over the fire, confused as to what he should do: Was he violating some boating rule? Nobody told him anything about rules!

He looked to Outback, who just waved his hands like he wanted nothing to do with the spats between the teenagers, and Moonch stood up front with her lip curled like she had just smelled something unpleasant.

The only one of them to be of any real help was the fat American boy, Windy, who began tossing things onto the deck from the open lockers and cupboards: hammocks, water jugs, tools, a nylon bag full of instant ramen.

"Load up," Windy shouted, stuffing a bag of Marco Polo Shrimp Snacks into his life vest.

A floating ember landed on one of the unused life vests dangling on the rail, and it burst into a spirited, purple inferno. Dim stopped and watched the new development in mild surprise-the preservers were supposed to save the tourists, not incinerate them.

The flaming life vest got everyone's attention-Now panic filled the boat and they all squawked like chickens that had just lost their heads.

"I can not swim!" Pinky Bell whimpered in her bulging purple vest, with Dim and Windy stuffing packets of noodles and cans of pineapple juice into her like she were some Christmas goose. Dim then nudged her out of the boat and plopped her gently by her vest into the water, hoping she wouldn't immediately lose the supplies that they had shoved into her.

"Kick over theres!" Dim yelled, pointed at a clearing on the shore.

Pinky Bell sucked gulps of river water, and her limb-flailing only drove her back to the side of the boat, which floated along with the current.

No one wanted to abandon ship, prompted by the fat, Sphinx-like Moonch at the bow, staring off at the foliage, refusing to partake in what she probably saw as some embarrassment. "It's not that I can't swim-It's more I don't swim."

Dim decided to violate a boating rule, and he began a series of bowler hat dunkings and flame dousings, though it didn't do much good.

"I was swim champ of Darwin Secondary," the old Aussie crowed, with bags of sardines and tuna flakes sticking out of his life vest.

A neat splash, then the Aussie's head popped up in the water next to Pinky Bell.

"Oh!" Pinky Bell squeaked, losing supplies to the current-a plastic shopping bag stuffed with pink and blue flip-flops, and several cans of a soft drink called Leema Raspberry.

Everyone then jumped with whatever they could load up on-the sago palm starch, and the bambangan wild mango. Nini jumped with her red shoulder bag stuffed with frozen fish heads.

"Take this!" Dim tossed Nini a dirty nylon hammock bag.

Leaving Dim and Moonch on board, the others made for the west shore with their daypacks and cans of cockles, clams, fish cakes, and prawns. The current didn't defy them, and it wasn't deep water; they could all nearly touch bottom where they'd jumped.

BOOM! - A small explosion rocked the boat as the fire engulfed something at the smoke-filled stern. Surely, the gasoline was next! ...

... Dim scooped up some cans of candwiches that rattled in the looted cupboard, looked once more at Moonch, shrugged, and jumped.

Was this some part of their growthing adventure? These things were not supposed to include the staff; Dim hadn't paid any money, he wasn't an official member of the colloquium. It didn't make sense- He hadn't signed up for any adventures in growthing; he wasn't one of these troubled teens ...

The boat drifted forlornly toward the east bank, and there got caught in something underneath. It seemed as though the purple and yellow vessel called Positive New Attitudes was reconsidering that life as a river boat was not so bad after all. The flames died down, as if the boat were extinguishing the fire by itself.

Dim joined the others, all standing in the water that lapped at their knees, watching Moonch at the bow of Positive New Attitudes. Maybe she was the only one with the common sense. Had they abandoned the boat in too much haste?

"I'm not dog-paddling to shore in some strange river," Moonch shouted, leaning on the purple gunwale, "who-knows-what defecates in it on a regular..."

Then there was a great BOOM! - A tremendous explosion, and the boat splintered; pieces of purple and yellow flying every which way, and Moonch was no longer there-rocketing up into the sky like some cow from a catapult, the might of the explosion flinging her some thirty feet up and over...

... And Moonch was motionless when she landed upriver with an awesome splash, slamming into the water with her sundress high over her head, revealing her big, orange underpants, her hefty, pasty legs, pointing at the group like drumsticks on a giant, frozen turkey.

Immediately, motionlessly, Moonch began to sink.

Dim frowned, watching the American girl submerge into the river. This was unfortunate, indeed. Everybody knew that when a person died on a trip, it was bad luck for the entire group.

Even worse, they wouldn't let him drive the boat anymore; they'd blame him for all the destruction, and that wasn't fair-Dim liked the boat best of all.