Letters to myself

4AM anxioty

Good morning. I'm currently staying the night at Fandy's because she too is going through some major bull, or at least she was the other night. Before I left to come over, my father decided to pull the rug out from under me yet again by telling me that he refuses to give me money for my lunch this year. Our deal was that if I calculated the amount needed for the entire year, he would supply me the cash that I need for lunch. Little did I know that he was going to explode on me. He's been out of town for work these past couple of weeks and I have been busy these last few weekends, so I hardly had anytime to see him between his work and my extra-curricular activities. He became upset with me when I asked him if it would be at all possible for him to be able to write me this check tomorrow- today?- being that we had time this weekend. He grew upset, saying that I should've done this a month ago when school "started" (I say this because school started mid August, so there is a flaw in his conjecture) and that he needs to be able to make small payments on things because that's apparently how he operates his money. He says this all like I'm suppose to have this be second-nature-knowledge. I point out to him that I am intact not a mind reader and that a "month ago" I wasn't even in school. And excuse me for having a life and being really busy too. Between two jobs, homework and senior activities, I have been booked, which for some reason, Dad and Carol fail to realize. He becomes even angrier and finally says that he isn't going to give me the money.
Okay, fine. I'm just going on a new diet. The one where I eat every other day in order to conserve what little I do have, since they've cut me off from their food (their way of teaching me how to "budget my finances", because I have two jobs now, so I should be able to sustain myself, right?).
So, I finally leave, feeling the same numb and uncomfortable dread that I had honestly just gotten over. I'm in tears by the time Fandy meets me and the world has once again been placed upon my shoulders, dragging me down with its seemingly impossible weight.
I tell her what's going on and she sympathizes with me. We get into the house and I let Nana and her Papa Rich know exactly what's going on. Nana fronts me $60 so that this way I have money to put into the bank (my current balance is $1.43). But this money isn't free by any means; I have been employed to clean her house after I get home from my second job in the afternoons. It's okay, I was already thinking of getting a third one after I retake my SATs next month. At least I won't be flipping burgers down at BK.
Anywho, I really need to go to sleep. This just helped getting my brain to stop its relentless cycle of panic.