HE LIVES IN ME

CHAPTER ONE

  " YOU NEED TO  get out of here now," he says with menace and an evil grin. He knows I cannot oppose him. Such is the plight of the less affluent populace of the society.

  I look at him with hatred in my eyes. The hate directed also to the feeling of helplessness that suffuses me at the finality in his voice." Please Sir, you don't understand. She'll die if I don't get the drugs to her," I beg some more, killing another substantial part of my self esteem.

  " I said get out. She'll die anyway, eventually, so why not now?"

  I grit my teeth against my retort and look at him in despair. The old me would have distracted him and stolen the drugs as well as his money. But my new faith asks me to forgive those who trespass against me and to treat them with the love of my Creator.

  So compressing my old instincts, I smile widely at him even if I don't want to." Okay then, thank you so much for listening to me," I say, making my voice lighter. Then to rub it on more I add," God bless you. Have a nice day."

I walk away feeling hopeless. Even the stunned look on Mr.Gordon's face couldn't make the encounter any better. The knowledge that I won't be able to help the one person who I care about the most weighs on me like dead weight. I walk to my hang out. Reluctant to go to her home and see what her illness had made her become.

   The surrounding area and buildings become more dinghy and abandoned, the further I go. This is the world I was born into. A world where the motto "Survival of the Fittest " isn't just a matter of words. A place where childish innocence is lost at a very young age, and the best gift you can give someone is knowledge. Knowledge on how to survive.

  I reach the building I want and proceed to enter in. On the way I meet Paul; who we also call shadow because of his unusual ability to rob very secure places and come out unscathed. He was also the second-in-command of our gang.

  " Where've you been Annie? We need you for this next gig." He demands in annoyance. He, like all the others in the group, refused to acknowledge that I've changed my ways. They all feel it's just a stage I'm going through and that it'll pass eventually.

  " I've been to church." I lie, praying silently for forgiveness. Church is the only place my gang members wouldn't be caught dead in, which was one of the reasons I started attending in the first place." The sermon today lasted a long time."

  Paul relaxes and rolls his eyes." Your sermons always last long, Annie." He teases.

And he is right. Pastor Mark always gives long sermons, but I love every hour of it. Because when I hear him preach God's word, I feel so much lighter and peaceful inside. My excuse seems to pacify him, and he smiles at me to show that he's forgiven me. The fact that he's sweet on me doesn't hurt my case either.

" That's okay this time, Annie. But I don't want this repeating itself. Me and the others may not fully understand why you feel you have to go to church, but we won't have your new religion mess up our lives as well." His face hardens as well as his voice." It's either you drop this, or you leave the family."

With that last comment he walks away. I walk to my room, weariness deep in my heart at the dilemma I am faced with. It seems my new faith will not only bring me joy but sadness also. Paul was right when he said we were a family. This was where we all grew up, our bond strengthened with every difficulty we faced together.

  As I lock the door to my room, I feel the atmosphere around me change suddenly. And while I wonder over this, I hear him speak quietly. He who I have longed to hear since I was converted. He who is said to be our gift from God. The weariness in my soul has finally let me connect with him. And he responds accordingly, giving me a few words that instantly give me peace:

  You are never alone. I am always with you; even to the end of the world.

  That was my peace. The thought that I don't have to bear everything on my own anymore.

Now my friends, some of you may not understand this. But those of you who know what it feels like to carry the burden of all your decisions -- the good and the bad ones, will know what I speak of.

  With these comforting words resounding in my spirit. I lay my tired body to the rest of sleep.

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