Beyond The Smile

Chapter 39

Niall and I were in the car driving to the orphanage, the one place I didn't expect to go back to. Holding my hand, he rubbed circles on the back, comforting me. Quiet music played in the background as I stared out of the window. Soft cloud brushed through the sky, hovering over the beautiful open country side. Long car rides like this make me think of the family vacations I was never able to take. I always wonder what it would have been like to grow up with a family.

"Whatcha thinking about," he asks while still focused on the road, but giving a quick glance over.

"Just thinking about what it would have been like to grow up with a family."

"I understand the orphanage wasn't your ideal place to grow up, but there must have been at least one other girl who you were able to grow close with?"

"Well there was one. Molly. A lot of the older girls were pretty intense. They were rude and always irritated by others. Molly was different. She was so sweet. So compassionate. Especially with the little girls. In a way, Molly was like a little sister to me."

"See family doesn't have to mean 'blood related'. It can just be anyone who means a lot to you in your life. For example, we might not share the same blood, but to me, you are family."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Your family to me too." I pick up his hand that I'm holding and kiss it.

"Do you mind if I ask you something," I continue, building on thoughts.

"Ask me anything you want."

"Okay, it was just about the conversation we had last night. It surprised me you said that you... Um... You know... Used to-"

"Hate the dentist?" He finishes for me.

"Yeah," I comment embarrassed, realizing that maybe I shouldn't have brought up a topic that could be personal.

"No it's okay to ask. I mean, it makes since. 'Why would someone want to be a dentist if they used to hate the dentist'. It's my fault for not explaining much. Well my father was, and still is, a good dentist. As much as I knew that when I was younger, it didn't diminish the fact everything looked so scary. It's natural for kids to be nervous, have anxiety or a lot of questions. I don't think my father realized that. He misinterpreted 'I'm scared, nervous and I don't understand what is happening' for 'I don't trust you, I don't want you to look in my mouth and I don't care what you tell me'. He's better when it comes to his actual patients, because he knows them from a medical and professional standpoint. With his kids, he feels like we are disobeying him and disrespecting him. Now what's a typical response for a father who's child disrespected him? It's a lecture and maybe some scolding. When your nervous at the dentist, all that does is make it worse. Am I right?"

I nod my head

"So," he continues, "every time I went to the dentist, I would be nervous and hesitate then get lectured and feel scared. I think I probably already explained most of that.

Now the reason for liking the role of the dentist didn't come from sitting in the chair. There were plenty of times where we had to find something to do to entertain ourselves with at the clinic, me and my brothers. We couldn't do anything loud or physically active since we were just put inside a dental exam room. Therefore, we played dentist. In fact, it was something our parents encouraged because they wanted us to like the profession so we could one day join the practice.  We learned how to lean the chair, turn on the light, put on gloves, what certain tools were for, etc. I liked feeling in control of the situation rather than how I felt when I was a patient to my father. But the feeling I liked best was the feeling of knowing that I could be a dentist and a compassionate, gentle friend at the same time. When people think of a stereotypical dentist, they probably think of my father, the strict dentist. I want to change people's definition of a dentist. I want them to think 'maybe its just a normal guy who knows how to make any problems go away'. When perception is changed, they can learn not to afraid.

Now one more thing. The point of this wasn't to make my father sound like a bad dentist. He really is a good dentist who knows what he's doing.  As much as I didn't like having him specifically be my dentist, he never hurt me.
Not once. Not to mention, he's never lost a patient. Let alone, a complaint. Look, if something ever happens where you really need to see a professional dentist, not me, and my fathers the one to help, I don't want you to be afraid of him. He really is good with patients, I promise. I've watched him work on others, he really is a good dentist. He's just a little strict when it comes to dental health, but it's not like any other dentist will be that much different when it comes to that.

Do you have anymore questions?"

"No you covered a lot of it for me. Thanks."

"Yeah no problem. If you ever have any questions, don't feel nervous to ask."

"Okay," I reply a little out of words, still thinking of everything he just said. It was a lot. I'm still trying to process all of it.

Niall used to hate the dentist.

Niall used to love playing dentist.

Niall's father made him scared.

Part of me wants to be scared too, and I have only met him once. 

*****

The old sign comes into view as we pull up to the orphanage. We are here. We are really here. This was an image I didn't think much about.

"Are you ready?" Niall asks as he turn off the engine.

I don't get out of the car, I just sit there looking at the place I grew up in.  It was my home, but it wasn't a home sweet home. It was just kind of there.

"Is something wrong?"

"No. No. It's just... Something I didn't expect to happen so soon."

"Trust me, you are doing the right thing by coming here. You are going to change so much."

"I hope we do."