reckless - h.s / mature content

41 - nightmares

"H-Harry, please, believe me baby." I cried loudly, as everything seemed to fade away, while I just sat there and begged for their forgiveness.

"I'm sorry, I-I never wanted him t-to get hurt." I sobbed, but when I looked up, they were all surrounding me, standing next to each other and around me, looking down and shaking their heads.

"It's your fault." They said, and I started screaming and crying louder, trying to escape this, but I never found a way out.

***

I woke up the second time, eyes instantly wide open and my whole body covered in a damp layer of sweat. I was shaking and like the first time, a massive headache and burning eyes.

I looked next to me, where to my relief Harry rested, a worried expression on his sleeping face, and light snores escaping his mouth.

It was just a nightmare.

I noticed the sunset outside and shook my head, to get rid of the images that were burned into my mind.

Sleep wasn't an option anymore at all. So I silently got out of bed and made my way into the kitchen, to pour me a glass of tap water and drank it. I closed my eyes for a second, but instantly opened them, when the picture of blood and a limp body, falling to the floor were playing in front of my eyes.

"Fuck." I breathed out and laid my head back in my neck, rubbing my temples.

I looked through Harry's cupboards, to find some pain killers and instantly took two, waiting for the headache to finally disappear.

The whole even didn't sunk in properly, which made it easy for me to brush it off until things would get serious. Of course, I felt like shit. I felt tired, exhausted, sad, guilty and just everything together.

Elliot's words were racing through my mind and his face looking at me, before shooing a bullet through his head. The second he pointed the gun at his temple, was the second I closed my eyes and crawled next to a wall, screaming and crying.

It felt like I had lost my mind right there.

He was dead on the instant and just slumped down, a big pool of blood surrounding him and the gun next to him. I couldn't move an inch or else I thought I'd go insane.

When I heard Harry knocking and crying I wanted to get up and tell him I'm okay, believe me, I really wanted him to know that it wasn't me, but I couldn't get myself to. I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, I couldn't think.

So I waited until I heard the door being opened forcefully and when I heard Harry saying my name, I broke down completely.

Terrified was the right word. I was fucking terrified. I was so scared to be with his body in one room for more than hours. I was scared that Harry would find me and think that I'd done this and the guilt was eating me alive.

It still did. I felt like this was all my fault, and if I wouldn't have left Elliot, he would still be alive.

What a twisted world, where the guy who abused me, was being the victim, wasn't it?

My headache slowly faded, and I made my way into the bathroom, knowing that this day was going to be long and shitty. I took my clothes off, at least those I was still wearing and got into the shower. I waited until the water was warm enough, and stood underneath the falling water, letting the warmness rinse away the pictures in my mind and the bad feelings. I washed my hair and rinsed my body and when I was almost done, I felt someone's presence behind me.

If it wasn't for the scent I already knew too well, I would've been scared. But as soon as I felt his arms snake around my naked body, I relaxed. He hugged me tightly to his naked body and rested his stubbled chin on my shoulder, leaving soft kisses on my neck.

"How are you feeling?" He asked carefully and I shrugged. "Okay." I answered shortly and stroked his arms. "Be honest, baby." he breathed and I closed my eyes again, taking a deep breath. "I've never felt worse." I admitted and turned around, to see a worried expression on his face.

I still didn't knew where we stood, because I remember his words earlier, when he told me that this was the end for us. Of course, the circumstances were different than before, but I still didn't knew.

"I wish this would've never happened." He closed the distance between us, pulling me tightly to his broad chest and we just stood there, letting the water drop on us and not a word leaving my lips.

"I wish, you didn't have to endure all of this. You deserve endless happiness, and nothing less." He spoke, "I wish I could take the pain from you and I wish I knew how to make things better." He carefully kissed the top of my head, when I felt the tears building again.

I silently sobbed into his chest, the tears mixing with the shower water and my body trembling. It wasn't the fact that Elliot did this, it wasn't the pictures I had in my head, from what he did, it wasn't because of the things I needed to do today and it wasn't because of anything Elliot did at all.

I cried, because I was scared that Harry would see me as a monster, like he did in my dream. That he would think that it was all my fault and that Elliot shot himself because of me. I couldn't tell Harry what Elliot said to me, before he committed suicide, because I was so so scared, that Harry would think it was my fault.

That he would turn his back and leave me, like everyone does. It was selfish, but it was the only logical thing in my mind right now. Like Elliot told me, I left him when he was at his worst, so maybe I deserved it to be left at my worst, too. Maybe that's what he wanted to happen, maybe Harry would leave me, if he knew why Elliot shot himself. Maybe Harry would despise me and tell me how disgusting I was.

Maybe my dream would come true and everyone would think that and I had to move again. I would have to go back home of move somewhere completely different.

But I've found my safe place here, not in England, not in Holmes Chapel, not in my college, not in escaping my parents, not in my apartment, my own four walls.

I found my safe place right here in Harry's arms. This I where I belonged and where I needed to be. His long, inked arms around my small body, while we were standing in the shower, letting the water comfort us, Harry telling me sweet nothings, while I cling onto his body for dear life. My safe place wasn't four walls and something I called my home. My safe place wasn't an country or people who surrounded me.

My safe place was a lanky boy, who couldn't take two steps without tripping over his own feet, who couldn't hurt a fly. A lanky boy with a mop of curly long hair, inked skin and a bad past like me. A boy, who could make my day better, by just being in the same room. A boy, who could make me smile on my worst days and make me feel like no one else ever could. A boy, who smiled so brightly, the whole world would smile with him. A boy, whose eyes were more honest than anyone else, and greener than the forest itself. A boy who could make me go on my own knees, to ask him if he wanted to be something more than friends. A boy, who I loved with every cell of my own body.

My safe place, was a lanky boy, named Harry Edward Styles.