moods / phan

chapter nineteen

"Oh haha. You'd be lost without me," Phil says.

"I was Phil, you know you can always talk to me - I'm here for you okay?" Pj says.

"Thanks Peej," Phil says with a smile.

And that's when Phil realises what his mistake was. It wasn't that he didn't stand up to his father or seek help; it was that he never acknowledged all the people who are there for him already, right by his side whenever he needs them,

and it's a beautiful thing.

***

Later that day, Phil sees Dan for the first time after they kissed.

He's not exactly sure what to do, but he knows one thing: he sees Dan differently somehow. He seems more elegant, more eye catching and more... Phil doesn't know how to describe it.

When he sees Dan across the hallway, standing and looking nervous as the crowd of students rushing to their next class swarm past him, he just looks different somehow.

Phil notices the way his fringe falls perfectly across his forehead, the way his skin is basically void of freckles, the way his hands are tightly gripping his backpack straps as his brown eyes dart around the hallway. Phil walks towards Dan, stopping right in front of him.

"H-hey," Dan says when he sees Phil in front of him, his black line hovering above him like always.

"Hello," Phil says, and then the conversations drops.

The two stare at each other for a moment in silence, neither speaking but both have thoughts screaming at them inside their heads.

"I'd better get to class," Phil says finally.

"Me t-too," Dan says, a blush on his cheeks.

Then the two turn and walk in opposite directions and neither look back, but inside his head, Phil is kicking himself.

You're so stupid, why didn't you just say something, do anything except stand there and stare at him like a statue, Phil says to himself in his mind as he sits down at a spare desk and lets out a deep sigh.

"Hey Phil," a cheery voice says from beside him.

"Hey Cat," Phil says, smiling at his friend, "how are you?"

"I'm good, you're back to yourself I see," she says, nodding her head, "that's good. Dan was worried."

"I know," Phil says quietly.

"You know Phil, he has enough on his mind. You shouldn't cause him more stress than he already has, it isn't fair on him. I know you can't always be happy but don't zone out again," Cat says, looking cautiously at Phil, "it's not good for him."

Phil narrows his eyes at her, unsure whether to be angry at her for having the nerve to say that when she doesn't know what he's going though or if he should be ashamed of himself for doing that to Dan.

"It's not like I purposely zone out," Phil says, fighting to keep his voice steady, "you don't understand."

"I know I don't understand Phil, and I'm here for you, you know that," she says, "but I also care about Dan and when that happens he hurts Phil."

Phil registers the concern in her voice, the look she has in her eyes when his name is mentioned, her obvious care for him; and suddenly, something clicks inside of his brain.

"You like Dan," Phil says blankly, staring at Cat.

She hesitates, a blush on her cheeks now. "Maybe... Do you think he'd be interested?"

Phil glances over at her, at the hopeful mood which floats above her head and decides that he can't crush her like that - he can't bring himself to.

"Yeah? I mean, why wouldn't he be?" Phil asks with a forced smile as he hopes his mood doesn't give anything away.

Cat grins widely and then Phil is saved by the teacher walking to the front of the classroom. Phil sighs deeply, facing the front again and rests his head in one of his hands, tugging at his locks of dark hair in frustration.

Of all the stupid things... He tells himself, you're going to hurt her more now.

Phil learns one thing in this lesson; and it's that he's an absolute coward.

***

When the bell goes for the beginning of lunch, Phil walks quickly out of the classroom to find Dan straight away.

He wants to talk to him - and avoid Cat at all costs after what he said to her. He manages to lock onto the brown haired boy before he sits at the lunch table and drags him aside, behind a classroom again.

"Y-yeah Phil?" Dan asks once they're still, "w-what is it?"

"I-we need to talk," Phil says, cringing at the awkward silence which follows.

"W-well, say w-what you want to s-say," Dan says, looking at Phil timidly, his cheeks flushed and warm brown eyes staring at Phil.

Phil opens his mouth to say something, but after failing to find the words to voice his thoughts, he decided to just forget everything which is holding him back and operate using his instincts and what, as Pj said, feels like the natural thing to do.

So naturally, he grabs Dan and kisses him so hard that, momentarily, Phil's knees grow weak and he starts to see stars.

*****************

an// I know it's been a while and it was a shorter chapter but I hope it was bearable and not too terrible!

please leave a vote and comment, it would be appreciated ^-^

I'm sorry for not being as active - I've been so busy and in the next 2 weeks I have 5 assessments rip kill me.

anyway I hope you're still enjoying the book - I really appreciate it if you still read it :)

also if you missed it I have a new book out called all at once it's phan and I've actually attempted to plan it!

also THANKS FOR 23K FOLLOWERS WTF HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!?!

anways hopefully I'll update again soon (ish) :D

thanks so much for sticking with me ^-^ xx

p.s: how do you like the new covers?