greyscale

1

There she was, radiant as ever. She was fierce, independent, and shone brighter than any star in the galaxy. How was I supposed to ignore her? From the first moment, I felt that disturbance in the force. The light burst from her soul like a phoenix escaping the ashes. She was even stronger than me, I hate to admit... I watched her glide past, warmly smiling at me. In her wake, two dark haired, impish, freckled children followed. As they giggled the glow around the trio grew brighter, and brighter, and soon glaring –

I woke up with a gasp. The warm glow was gone, replaced by the dull silver of florescent lights reflecting off metal in my quarters. My heart raced as I confronted the dream. No, I thought. No, no, no, not again, I can't. I must be strong, for the First Order. She has awoken the light inside of me, but I can't return. Not after what I've done...

I went about my business as we headed towards Supreme Leader Snoke. Hux shoved more unwanted advice in my direction. Stormtroopers this, and personal business that. I debated hacking his head off then and there, just to get him to shut up, but he's the one that knows how to command the Troopers. They're all scared shitless of me, but he's a little more approachable. Someday, I will murder every goddamn idiot on this ship, but today is not that day.

Little progress was made. I forced myself into the mind of a weakling rebel, but not much new information surfaced. Another day, another kill. It's starting to lose its buzz, to be honest. I actually feel bored. Snoke has been bugging me all week about my attitude, but my mind is so tired. There's no energy to find the anger and fear anymore, I just want to go to sleep. I yank off the heavy robes I wear around the ship, and lay my mask on the table. I pull a box of cereal out of the cabinet and settle down by my large window. The stars twinkle, dancing together in unfamiliar constellations. I focus on a red star way off in the distance.

"Alright, kid. You see that star right there? The red one? If you ever need help, that's where you go. There's a planet there with the best mechanics in the galaxy, besides yours truly," Dad told me. He had a snarky, sideways grin on his face.

"But Dad, why can't I just come home? Won't you be here?" He looked down at me with careful eyes. I tightened my grip on the Millennium Falcon's controls. "Never mind," I said, understanding his expression. He didn't plan to be at home. He never did.

And now he never will be.

I broke down. I knew I shouldn't feel this way. I knew I should be fighting harder, getting angrier, letting the Dark flow through my soul, but the pain caused it to slow from swift rapids to creeping molasses. I felt guilty. I hurt all over. Ben Solo had not been destroyed. Now, I had been awakened. The tears flowed freely, running to make up for all the pain I denied as Kylo Ren.

I had another dream about the light. Rey extended her hand to me. I took it. The image dissolved into a bright blue light, and I heard my mother's voice.

"Ben, please return to me. I want to see my boy..."