Love at its shortest time

The End was Enough...

I could never recall what an end felt like when he set the line between us. He made it clear to me but I hope I had just known it from the very start before making my Christmas bittersweet.

It was the month of love, passion, and faith. I was expected to share smiles and laughter towards family, friends and even strangers. And yes! I did especially with him. I thought to give my best for the man I greatly care for.

So, I decided to give him 12 Christmas gifts to commemorate the 12-day Christmas Song. I started off with a bottle of wine and the next day an imported perfume. I never thought it will only take two days to crush my soul. Just two unsettling days to make this imagined relationship vividly destroyed.

I just hoped that he could tell me personally and deal with it like a man, face-to-face. But, I forgot he had never been a man since the first day I met him and how can such emotions veil the truth and produce an agonizing fruit. We were naturally and unconsciously avoiding each others' presence. We even say that we still stand on wearing the most professional relationship ever but our actions cannot deny. Hence, I will not lie to let this feeling live longer.

Me: Days felt weary and before I put myself to my lowest point until I could never know quality at work I better quit for good. Now!

Some were not expecting my goodbye but I knew he was. And I just hope that "P.S. This would be better for the both of us" as what I had just written in my resignation letter. Quite a broad statement but I had nothing to lose so might as well write it all. 

I never knew that after exhausting every drop of that feeling I felt freedom. I got myself back and I felt anew. Was it my will? Or was it God's blessings, my students? I found people who deserve my attention and who need me as much as I need them. It was a reciprocated relationship. This was the healthiest relationship I could ever cherish since I came to this institute. And yet, I did not want to stain those smiles of my children. I would rather let them remember my witty, jolly, and faithful face than my inner sadness that could be reflected sooner than later.

Yet, I was so blessed to meet such supportive people: my Dean, my colleagues and most especially my self-labeled best friend Leo. I was surrounded with good people. God knew that I need that kind of truthfulness even from a few. They were doing their best to comfort me and even make me laugh. It was unusual since I am used to be the clown, not an audience. They were successful to bring back the cheerful me. I am thankful for my friend Leo for standing up for me. He made me realize that I had a say on everything especially regarding our so called professional relationship conflict between Bryan and I. He even urged and encouraged me to talk to Bryan before I leave so I agreed.

I even planned to get angry at him for once to completely relieve me from everything we had to go through. Instead, I had gotten carried away once  I saw his strikingly broad stride which I formerly admired. Such a Deja Vu!

Me: I just want to take good care of you. I know that kind of path you have chosen will be somehow lonely especially you are just alone so I was hoping to at least be there and help you out.

Bryan: You do not need to worry. I signed up for this. I know the consequence.

All throughout our conversation, I was just looking at him; thinking that this will be my last time seeing that smile. Bryan kept on talking he never knew I was just zone out throughout it. I was just concentrating on picturing this memory of him smiling. I hope it did not end. But, it ended.

I went back in my office and somebody told me that I deserve someone better. She even pointed out Leo, could be a better man of choice. I just smiled. Telling her,

"I would rather have him as a long time friend than a love at its shortest time."

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