Stone Hearted (Book I)

Chapter I - Unsure (Draft)

I lay in my bed.
Still.
Silent.
Weeping.
Tears fell on my sheets one by one as I internally shook.

"...or I'll kill you." I kept replaying those words in my head.
I couldn't grasp their meaning. I couldn't comprehend why they had been uttered.

What happened to me? Hours ago I looked forward to rejoining my friends at play downstairs. Now all I could think of was death. I reasoned with myself. Bad people always threatened others they would threaten to take your life away from you if you didn't comply.

If I killed myself, nobody could hold anything more over me. I would be at peace. Not in this state. But that was not an option.

I didn't understand what had happened to me. It was like something painful had taken over me. And I wanted it out. As fast as I could get it out.

People always say "Fight fire with fire."... Maybe if I fought pain with (different) pain, it would get out. Or maybe if I had a different kind of pain, I could focus on that instead of the burning sensation coursing through me.

I went into the big bathroom. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I knew it would be sharp and not too big.

I spotted a razor. It looked like it could do exactly what I needed. I would fight my pain with more pain. Different pain. Hopefully get everything bad out of me.

So as the tears kept falling around me, I sat under the sink in a corner. Took the razor and put it where I felt the pain the strongest. At my lower stomach. At first I only scraped against my skin, but the pain inside me remained. So I pushed deeper.

My eyes were blurred by all the tears, and I knew I was completely numb from what happened earlier. I just blindly kept putting the razor everywhere I felt the pain strongly. It felt weird, and a bit unpleasant, but nothing compared to what I felt inside. I didn't know if it was really doing anything, but just knowing I was doing 'something' was distracting me a little.

I felt ripped and torn. I hoped what I was doing would help me. On the other hand, I didn't think anything could help me anymore.

I suddenly heard our monitor Liza calling: "Lilianna! Lilianna!"

I quickly wiped my tears with my free hand. As I looked down I saw my stomach covered in small cuts. Some of them bleeding, others just very red. I pulled my shirt down and hid the razor behind me.

"Hi Liza!" I did my best fake smile as I looked up to her.

"Umm hi Lilianna. We're all waiting for you. Petra and Bianca want to play Uno with you."

"Yeah... I'm not feeling so good. I think I'll just stay up here for a while..."

"You know you can't. Remember, you can only be in your room and upstairs bathrooms during bedtime. You'll get used to it soon enough..."

She crouched down in front of me to be at my level and looked me in the eyes. "Your parents sent you to boarding school with good reason. You're not well. You'll learn the rules and feel better very soon. On top of it, we monitors are here for you. You can come to me or Adelaide, or Johann, or Paul. We're all happy to help.

No. She was wrong. Paul would most certainly not help. He caused this pain. I wanted to leave. And yet here I was, up on a mountain in Switzerland. I had nowhere to go. And my life was in danger too.

I smiled up at Liza. "Yeah, you're right. I'll just go change clothes quick."

I ran to my room before she could say anything else and took out a black shirt, after putting the razor between two undies. The pink one I had been wearing had small blood stains already, and it would be much better to wear a darker color.

I looked in the mirror as I ran past it. My eyes were very bloodshot. Liza had probably not wanted to say anything. She probably thought I had had a small conflict with someone else, or something insignificant. I didn't know what had happened to me, but I knew it was wrong and that I wanted it to stop. It was pain, and I was trying to hide it.  Yet, if there was one thing I knew, it was that I had to tell someone about my pain. As soon as the distractions left me, I knew I would have to face it. I dreaded that moment.

I saw Petra and Bianca talking in the far corner of the big playroom, where many others were playing as well.

"Hey girls!"

"Lilianna! We were wondring where you were! You silly! What were you doing? Trying to plan another escape?"

"You've only been here for 3 weeks, and already you've tried getting out of the building twice. Why?"

"I don't know. I guess it oppresses me. I have nowhere to go. I just like to be outside and have an illusion of freedom."

"Sure, sure." I knew they were internally rolling their eyes. For some reason, everyone else seemed to love it here. Whenever I tried to mention escaping for a few hours to be out of the building, everyone would call me crazy and ignore me.

I wasn't crazy. But I did know that I had to escape, now more than ever. The last few weeks, it was only for the fresh air and freedom, now it was to save my life. I had to get away from Paul.

The pain he caused me was unbearable. But if I went far away from him, he could never hurt me again. Hopefully the pain would then go away.

A single tear strung down my cheek, leaving a small wet trail. This was the last tear I would cry over him. Ever.