Deary Diary, Dear Anxiety

An introduction, a background, a lot of repressed memories

Dear diary
My name is Rois, well that's my nickname actually. I say nickname not only about 2 people in real life call me that. I'm 17 and about to start a university degree in psychology. Ironic that I'll be trying to fix people's problems when I can't even fix my own but we'll roll with it.

I grew up in the countryside with both my parents and my 6 other siblings, me being the middle child of course. I was always a bit different. I started school very early seeing as they specifically asked me to enter a year earlier than I was supposed to because the class was too small. So I started the induction when I was still 3 years old and when I turned 4 I began my first year. I don't remember much of my childhood apart from a few vague memories as I've repressed it for so long. Apparently I was a bit cold with some people at first but was really nice to others for example my music teacher Ms Byrne. Just thinking about her now makes me happy seeing as she was one of the only rays of light I had back then. She was one of the only people who made me feel worthwhile.

My teacher in my first year became my first bully. She accused me of doing things I didn't do so she could put me in the corner alone because I finished work too quickly and was basically a nuisance seeing as I was too far advanced. She brought my mother in saying I was a problem child and when asked for evidence she made up excuses like 'I must have covered my tracks' -bear I mind I had just turned 4 years old. My classmates were reasonable at first from what I recall but I don't have many memories and they changed very quickly.

Over the course of my childhood I was severely bullied for about 9 or 10 years- from age 4 right through to about age 13. This was due to a few things for example my skin condition (eczema), my strong American accent (that I got from watching too much American TV as a kid even though I'm Irish), I got glasses at about 8 years old and that also made me a target and soon I became so isolated that I walked around the school grounds alone every break and lunchtime for a few years. I got pushed, avoided, name called. People swerved to avoid me in corridors while plugging their noses and whispering 'ew', I got shoved into dog poo a few times and laughed at, people wouldn't even touch me in a game of tag.

That kind of bullying for a decade can destroy a person. It can have permanent effects. It can give someone depression, low self worth, anxiety.

It can make someone feel how I sometimes feel.
Dear anxiety-
I want to finally share my story.