Mixed Messages

#2

I toss and turn throughout the whole night, the room is hot despite having all of the windows open, and when I do fall asleep I am soon awaken by terrifying thoughts. I give up around three-thirty and go downstairs, wide awake. I slouch onto the sofa and flick on the television, but the guide of programmes is even worse than day TV. Feeling annoyed I turn it back off, slamming down the remote. The abrupt movement must have disturbed my baby as he goes from being still to furiously dancing around.

I rub my aching stomach; the more he has grown the more uncomfortable it feels when he kicks. "Sh sh now." I whisper. My quiet words bounce off all four walls, making me feel more alone than ever. I think about our baby, who could be here anytime now, just being three weeks away from my due date. I have enjoyed being pregnant, but now dread the day of his due date, feeling uncomfortably unprepared, I have now lost my birthing partner and my baby's father.

My heart races and my lips begin to curl as I breathe loudly. I try to brush my hands through my golden hair, but it is matted to my head. I have always been known for having such beautiful hair; anyone who knows me would have been disgusted to see it in such a state. Rubbing my eyes and taking a deep breath I decide I have to pull myself together and get things done; for my baby's sake.

Trudging up the stairs I walk into the nursery. The walls are painted a pale blue with a feature wallpapered wall with little giraffes. I stare at the walls, remembering when Lucas and I decorated them. We went to choose the paint and wallpaper straight after the scan when we found out we were expecting a boy. I remember Lucas dancing with me and the paint brush, splatting paint all over the two of us.

I stroke the baby changing cabinet, looking carefully at the supplies on the shelves, wracking my brains to think if everything I will need is there. I walk over to the rocking chair, and sit down for a moment, rocking back and forth feels soothing. My eyes search the room for the crib which still remains in its box. The pile of clothes that need to be washed and folded catch my eye. I think about all of the shopping trips me and Lucas had, picking out cute outfits for our little boy. Without realising I doze off into a hazy sleep, with happy thoughts.

I am suddenly awoken; I grip the arms of the chair in fright. A loud ringing noise disrupts me, filling the air that has been silent for so long. I recognise my ringtone and walk quickly to my bedroom to get it.

"Hi Alice, how are you doing?"

"I'm doing okay, thanks mum," I say, not knowing what else to say.

"And how's Lucas and my little grandson?"

I stare at the ground, a huge lump forms in my throat, making it seem impossible to speak.

"They're doing well." I lie, my voice quavering.

"I was just calling to check up, and to plan when I'm going to come over."

"There's still three weeks left, mum." I reply, feeling restless.

"I know darling, but I don't want to miss the birth of my first grandchild! I was thinking maybe I'd come over in a week's time, me and your sister both gave birth early, so I think it runs in the family! But don't worry, I sorted it out with Lorie, she says I can stay with her since you don't have a spare bedroom." I listen to my mum ramble, not really paying attention. I feel my blood boil when hearing my sister's name being mentioned.

I don't know what to say back, my mind is elsewhere. I stay silent for a few minutes, until my mum's voice booms in my ear again.

"Alice, are you still there?"

"Yes, I'm here mum."

"So, have you and Lucas made any decisions about names yet?"

"Not yet."

"Oh. Well there's still a little while yet, I could help you think of some if you wanted, and I think your sister has a baby name book too!"

"Mum, sorry I really have to go. I'll talk to you later."

I don't wait for my mother's goodbye before hanging up; I can't face talking about my fiancé and my sister for a minute longer.

-

I make myself busy for the rest of the day, attempting to put up the crib and filling the washing machine with tiny clothes. Half of the crib is up, even though it's taking longer than expected, due to feeling so physically and emotionally exhausted, but I still feel positive about doing it.

Looking at the clock I realise it is already six pm, the time when Lucas would normally have came home and we'd sit and watch the news together before eating dinner. I hadn't dared to watch the news ever since I had been told about Lucas's accident, I wasn't sure whether it would be broadcasted or not, but I didn't want to risk seeing it.

My sister, Lorie, lives only a few miles away; but you'd think we lived a different world away due to how often we see each other. She hadn't called or came over since Lucas's accident, I couldn't decide if she just hadn't heard about it or if she was being her mean spirited self. Either way, she probably wasn't going to find out as I didn't want to talk to her.

My mother on the other hand lives a four hour journey away by plane. She visits as often as she can, usually every few months and Lucas and I used to go over for holidays. I know I can't keep the truth away from my mother for long, and she is going to think I am insane when she finds out I have been telling her that my dead husband is doing fine. But I can't face saying the words out loud, not yet anyway.

I look at my phone, feeling as though I know it is about to ring. A few seconds of staring, and there goes the ring. I don't recognise the number that flashes up. Normally I ignore unknown numbers, but this time I couldn't, what if Lucas has got a new phone because his other broke?

"Hello?"

"Hi, Miss Stone. It is officer Hartley calling from Cambridge police station. We would like to invite you in to come and identify Lucas's body, if you wish. You may bring other family members with you for support or-"

I drop my phone from my ear to my toes.