Ribbons [BWWM] (Canceled until MAJOR editing takes place)

Way Back When Part 1

I know that this relationship comes off to others as fast-pace. But, this isn't the first time I've had conflict with James. In fact, I thought we were forever back in seventh grade back when almost everything we did was cringey and our 'first date' was in the lunchroom. We never got to that point though. He was so embarrassed to date me that he didn't tell anyone. We 'dated' in secret. We talked through texting on flip phones. We never were seen in public together - I was too nerdy to be seen with him. Before all of that happened his friends bullied me, and he watched. When his friends found out about us, they felt pity for me. James told them I was a stalker rather then his girlfriend. Casual middle school pettiness, right? Well, try that on top of a missing sister, since this was around the time Trina ran away when mom found out she was gay, and my dad's funeral. It was way to much to handle as a socially awkward thirteen year old. I slowly became depressed - too depressed to function.

FLASHBACK

My sister snuck back in through my fire escape to check in on me, occasionally. She never told me where she was hiding but now I assume it was with Carly. She tried to talk me into conversation but nothing could convince me to move.

I hear something tap on my window. My brain tells me to look but my body didn't budge. The weight of the world is literally sitting on me. I don't want to move. Whatever's tapping my window is consistent. I look up. It's just Trina, I think. Go away, I think to myself. I can hear Trina groan from outside. I hear footsteps entering my room. Without moving, I turn my eyes towards my mom. She has something in her hand.

"Can you please eat?" She says, sitting next to me on the bed.

"It's your favorite soup. Corn chowder..." I don't want food, I want them back, I respond in my head.

"At least look at me, Tess." my mom says. I don't bother. What's the point?

"I know you feel alone in this, but I lost my husband. As much as I want to break every single vase and reminisce every memory, I can't. I have children to take care of." I scoff. Trina's right outside, I wanted to say. Fix this, I wanted to say. She's gay, so what? I wanted to say. But my mouth wasn't spitting it out. My eyes wouldn't move. My body was stuck. I was, empty.

He dead to me, I think to myself. I hate him. I don't like him anymore. Why does his image still pop up in my head. Why am I thinking of him? HE ISN'T THINKING ABOUT ME! HE'S WITH GEORGIA! HE LOVES HER. What's wrong with me? Why me? Why NOT me? Why did he choose to trick me? WHATS WRONG WITH ME?, one side of my brain screams.

He's dead. He's really dead. His murderer is still out there. He was so young. He left his Detroit past. He isn't addicted to drugs anymore. He changed his name. He had children and a wife. Did his murderer know about us? Did he care? He probably doesn't. Was it a quick death? Did dad suffer? Would dad care if Trina was gay? Is he ok? Where did he end up?HE NEEDS TO BE HERE.

I realize I'm crying. Alone in my room. My mom is now gone; she must've gotten tired of trying to get through to me. I don't move or open the window for Trina. I do not touch my soup. I don't want my mom to think I'm getting better. That's false hope. I'm not getting any better.

I think I love him.

No dumbass, you don't love him. You don't know what love is. You're like five years old. Calm down, I argue with myself.

Are you going to let him and Whore-gia win?

Omg, don't call her that Tess!