Watching the World Fall

Fire and Ice - Chapter One

My blood is on fire and my body is ice. It's coursing through my entire body and for the first time in a long, long time I'm feeling great. This boy, no, wrong word, man, is pressing his lips on mine and it feels amazing. He's forceful and warm, bringing a whole new warmth to my burning body, he breaks apart from me. He's offering me something. I take it, for the first time it feels like I'm seeing, hearing. Truly feeling.

I inhale sharply and I don't know if I ever want to exhale, I feel so alive in this moment everything is so bright, clear, like a light has just been flipped on in my body. Howver I can hear my heart throbbing in my chest. The same drumming I get when I'm afraid, adrenaline rushing through my veins and every movement feels charged. I kiss the man again and it's long and sloppy. I break apart only for air, each inhale and exhale filling my body with excitement. I press my forehead against his, his eyes seemingly staring into my mind.

God, I could stay like this forever. My body is rocking against his, the music is invading my ears and I'm losing the feeling. My throat is dry and words are hard to put together, but I manage," More?" I whimper, he shakes his head to signal no. The colors are fading, the heat is leaving my body and I feel like I'm falling."I'll do anything." I exhale, begging him, my hands clinging to the stiff fabric of his shirt.

He moves his lips to my ears and whispers a familiar language to me." Let's get out of here then?" It brings chills to my body, goosebumbs raising and I shutter before replying."Let's go."

He leads me to an old washed up hotelroom and I find it less then appealing, but I don't leave. He gives me what I want and I give him what he wants. To lonely bodies clash against each other, each desperately chasing release and euphoria. My body collapses next to his. I'm coming down, and I want more, but I allow myself to crash. Sleep embraces me and I never want to wake up.

When I do come to, I can see the man next to me. He's handsome, sort of, he's asleep, naked and smelling of whiskey and sweat. It occurs that I don't even know his name. Trashy. I wonder, but I figure it's better if I don't know. The lights are off but a single light outside is chasing the darkness of the room through a crack in the curtains. I'm exhausted and I consider curling back to the man and embracing his warmth and comfort but I need to leave. Preferably before he wakes, I didn't want to have to exchange false pleasantries and pretend I was interested. It wasn't worth it. Shit. where's my phone? I look for my handbag, it's there. My phone with it. It has a bit of charge, standing at a safe 34%. The chill in the air tells my numb body it's naked and I look for my clothes that are scattered around the room.

I

feel horrible, whatever contents remain in my stomach threaten to spill from my mouth. I'm lightheaded, and my vision blots with dark circles and I sway for a minute before I catch myself and take a deep breath. I pull my cheap dress on, and glance for my shoes. I'm not going to put them on, I don't have a reason to, my feet hurt as it is. No point in making it worse.
I sneak out of the door, closing it quietly. It was all to familiar to me, the partying, the drugs, the men, it was routine for me. Each phase another attempt to fix the loneliness I experienced. It never worked and I always ended up at the same place.

I call the most frequently called number on my phone. Alice. Her voice is absolutely exhausted, she sounds like that a lot. She's a new mom and her son keeps her on her toes all day. I've mindlessly exited the hotel at this point and I'm heading down the street. I'm walking on the sidewalk, the occasional car zooming by. Alice is talking, telling me about her husband's latest adventure, I respond according to each remark and story and I don't notice till she asks but I'm breaking." Rosie? God, are you crying?" I am. I don't tell her that." No, my throat hurts." I didn't lie about that, it does. Its dry." I know it's asking a lot, but can you come pick me up?" I asked quietly, my voice is hoarse and it feels like nails are stabbing each other in my throat." Yeah, I'll be there soon! Where are you?" She asks, I can hear her picking up the keys to her car." Just give me a few minutes to get Riley in the car." I don't know where I am, but I can see a sign for the local library and I tell her." I'm just outside the library."
I can hear Riley crying, it occurs to me he might've been sleeping. God, What time is it anyway? It's 6am.

Because I notice a nearby bench I take a seat and allow my aching feet a break. I fumble around my handbag finding a pack of ciggarettes. I only take one, seeing as it's all I need right now. I light it and I hesitate for a moment, do I bring it to my lips, or put it out and pretend it doesn't exist? I opt for the first option. I bring it to my lips. The stick of paper is bitter and gross, I despise it. I inhale, and I nearly vomit. It feels like fire is moving to my lungs and filling my chest with extra warmth.

It brings tears to my eyes again, I've been trying to quit, but I always cave. I always give in. Hell, I don't even finish it, it falls to the ground and I begin sobbing uncontrollably, I don't even know how I got here!
These days I don't even feel anymore, it's like my life is just a speck of sand on a beach. Two years ago I would've taken one look at the life I live now and be disgusted. I had it all, a white picket fence, a husband to love me, and a beautiful home. Now I had nothing. No job. No family. No home.

A bright flash comes from the sky, lightning. Great. The ensuing thunder follows and rain begins to fall, my tears mingling with the rain from above, my world turns grey and I wait. I wait for Alice, the one person who can't seem to clean herself from the toxin that I am.

Maybe I'm really waiting for the strikes of lighting to change and fry me where I sit.

Then I hear it, a car pulling up, a window rolling down and a name. My name." Rosaline?"