Fall in May

~28~ My First Detention of Many.

Thanks in part to Butchering English, the one thing I have learned about this vile little creature is that he always has the next stupid thing handy. That and he keeps touching himself to adjust the pants that are half a size too big. Probably to emphasize that he is, in fact, a real man and not mini hobbit version, who buys all his big boy clothes in the kiddie section of the local Costco. 

"Well Mr. Dean, it seems the time has come for you to have even more fun...in detention." He drops the angry orange slip down on my desk with a highly questionable theatrical flourish. "Disrupting the class: talking during important announcements ...again. I suppose that if my first, last and only warning did not do the trick, perhaps wasting another hour of your life will."

I pick up the slip and smirk because this idiot actually wrote out: "Talking during Important Announcements"

"But I already have English with you." I drone back slowly but to no avail, for the little troll has slithered away, pretending to be out of hearing range.  

Seems that Or'sir has long ago mastered the art of the bomb drop and run away. Either that or he is so deaf to protestations that he can't even hear the suspendable insults flung in his general direction anymore. Probably because in his head, he is so super sure that he just rocked my world apart with his "respect me or else" vengeance bomb, that he completely misses the sharp vendetta moments that really hurt.

"I'm so sorry, Darren, my bad." May whispers sadly as if the entire thing was somehow her fault.

"No worries, Maybe," I assure her of my uncaring nature.  

I spend the rest of the blah-blah-blah, rah-rah-rah morning announcements, thinking of mean things about Or'sirs mother's conception. And the decided lack of ascertainable paternity, that his father must have insisted on when first laying eyes on that foul foundling that is Or'sir. The dark voices in my head begin to play out what they are pretty sure was the sequence of events for my amusement. 

"What happened to the rest of it?" Father Or'sir stares down at the new thing in the crib, "This thing is no son of mine, where'd you put the real kid babe? You know, the normal-sized one that looks like us? Trust me, babe, I'm telling you right now ...there is some migdity little family out there right now looking down on a kid bigger than them thinking the same thing. Cause this thing is giving me the creeps. And why the hell does it keep stuffing its socks into the front of his diaper, and looking at me funny? What kind of kid does that? I'm telling you babe, that hospital screwed us, and I want my normal-sized kid back. I'll go get the car started, you put that thing back in the matchbox it came in, and let's kick bricks back to St. Storks and bring our normal-sized boy home ASAP!"

The blah-blah-blah rah-rah-rah we are so flocking awesome!, finally finishes just before the bells from Hell go off again. Which signals the start of desk shoving stampede to get away from Or'sir as the rest of the flocks crash towards the only two exits available.

"The hell I hate that unequal treatment crap. I was the one actually being disruptive, not you. So just give me that slip and I'll tell him it's my fault." May sighs sadly. "Time to use the old childhood charity pass..."

"O'no-no-no, you will do no such thing, Maybe. I will not have it said that you deprived me of my very first detention at this fine educational establishment." I laugh and give her a hand up to standing. "I'll have you know at my last institution, I was very popular with the after school internment elites in ol' D-hall. Hells bells, Me and Grom even had our own special spot up in there. Hell, half the time I was just babysitting Gromit cause I had nothing better to do after school. You know besides earning some D hall credits for my habitual disregard for the broken clocks."

"Truth be told, I am rather looking forward to my first glimpse of what these flocks believe will thwart me from your good graces." I fully assure her of my ill will. "Besides I say more laughs like the one in question are in order, not less. For if laughter like that is a crime, then mark me down as the criminal elite. I will do my time with a stout smile and wicked grin, cause between me and you ...I'm gonna do it again and again and again."

May laughs at the clanging rhymes as we take our leave of Or'sir's circus and head out to number learning.  Out into the seething hallway of go-getters going we go to ride the waves of almost academia, with the rest of the flocks.

"Besides I could really use some detention, how else am I supposed to find my new drug dealers? Cause glaucoma grandpa guy really needs to get a new supply of "herbal medicine" for his burgeoning brownie business." I muse drifting along in her wake.  

"O'yeah, I have a feeling about this." May laughs along as we trawl the hallway. "I think you're gonna go the distance Dare, cause you got that need for speed thing written all over you. All that chitter-chatter of wicky-wacky-super-crystal-clear-thoughts just bursting up from your brain stem." May snorts. "They say always you'll be fine the first time, but I hear that rehab is a bitch when you come down off the ol meth'way."   

While she is extolling on, that old familiar funny chill is starting to creep into my spine. The one that is telling me that May is a lot more intuitively insightful than your average person, sighted or otherwise. That maybe she is starting to pick up things about me that are not good for me to have her know. 

"But sadly that's not for me, as I have enough problems getting to sleep on the ol Circa'clock as is. So I think if it's all the same, I'll pass on bipolar in powder form, and just stick to getting my sarcasm on hardcore this year." She sighs falsetto. "I mean sure it's an addiction of sorts? And I do get really bad withdraws at home, when I can't get my mean fix in. But so far it hasn't seemed to have a negative effect on my dental hygiene, or keep me up for days and days making master plans. But hey if that's you twist...twist away... twist away..."

My own fear of discovery as a Wannabe kid has been eased only slightly by her dental pride. So of course, I've missed her "circadian clock" reference and its importance in determining some of May's darker moods.

"Well, if you like sarcastic, you should try sardonic."  I counter positively. "Now that stuff will blow your brain up and make you face your fears. It's all the rage right now with the kids I grew old with."

"Sardonic huh? Sounds like fun..." May clicks right into linguist mode. "Sardonic from Sardinia, 'derisively mocking and disdainfully or skeptically humorous'.  So like all the fun, but half the cynical calories of my normal cannibalistic sarcastic bite? Well, I simply cannot wait to try it, how soon can you get your hooks on some?" May snorts in derision. "I mean really, how bad could it be for me? She said sardonically."

"I'll see if I can try to score some by lunch." I play along with her game. "But May, you have to promise me to be seriously careful with that stuff. The first time is free, but after that you're on your ownsome. Ride like lightning, crash like thunder."

"Ah, the old Ride or Die, huh? That's cute." May singsongs sardonically. "Thunderbolts of lightning, very very freighting..."

I roll with May the rest of the way down to her Math class, softly singing like Queen. I get her settled in, then I take my leave of her until lunch, where I will have her special pizza surprise. Try to see if I can score some of that super sardonic between now and then.