One Year

Until

Silence.

I try to speak. I can't.

Silence.

"When we're you going to tell me? Why did you-" I can see Nick desperately trying to put his words together to get some answers and I cant help but feel a huge rush of guilt as I see Ken sitting next to Simons bed looking awkward.

"Look Nick, it's a long story." I start to explain as I lift Holly from his arms and gently settle her once again.

I look up and see his face, a look of confusion, hurt and betrayal spread across it.

"What do you mean it's a long story? It's a simple question!" He suddenly exclaims as he stands and starts to shout.

I flinch. It's been a year but the way he was talking, the way he was acting, it scared me. It really did.

I try to act normal, like nothing happened but I know he saw me flinch. I can see it from his face and I know he regrets it.

"Look, Nick this isn't really the place to talk about this, is it? Can we go back to yours? I promise I'll explain everything." I say as I see him nod guiltily as he grabs his coat from the back of his chair and stands up.

"I'm sorry Ken, it's just I need to-" I start to say before Ken cuts me off.

"Don't worry about it, Simon would understand," he nods sympathetically towards me as I start to walk with Holly towards the door and out of the room.

Walking through the hallways of the hospital once again, I don't dare to speak.

I try to give him time to process everything, hoping by the time we arrive back at the flat that he will be able to understand.

The car drive back to his flat is long. Long and silent.

I spend the whole journey desperately trying to read his emotions from his face.

I used to always be able to tell what he was thinking but now, now I don't know anymore.

After all this time apart, we've changed so much that I'm not sure we could just go back to the way we were.

And even though I wish it hadn't come out like that, at least I'm telling him the truth now. Finally.

Most of it, at least.

Walking back into his flat is so much more different than earlier.

No polite small talk. No reminiscing about the old times.

We just sit on the sofa, just like earlier as I put Holly down in the baby carrier I had left when we hastily made our way to the hospital to visit Simon.

"Why did you lie?" He asks suddenly.

"I didn't," I try to explain before he cuts me off.

"What do you mean 'you didn't'? I saw your face in there, I saw that you knew the baby you had kept from me for the first 6 months of her life was mine. You knew she wasn't Roberts'." He starts to raise his voice again.

I try to cover it up but I can't handle it. I can't handle the memories brought back by the name.

His name.

If I think about him, I'm instantly brought back to it.

"I didn't at the start," I start to explain again.

"What do you mean?" He asks in a more reasonable tone, staring, confused towards me.

"I honestly thought she was... his," I can't bring myself to say his name. I just can't.

"The hospital got the dates wrong."

"Wait. I thought you said you had a DNA test before she was born? You said you knew for sure," he asks and I can still see the hurt on his face.

"I didn't, I'm sorry." I take a deep breaths before continuing. "I didn't think I needed to, I was so sure."

"You weren't sure though, were you? How could you not even try to make sure? Robert said you could use his DNA for a test and you lied to me about it?" He exclaims in anger once again.

I feel a tear run down my face as I realise the stupidity of my actions.

"The date the doctors told me meant it couldn't be your baby, I didn't think I needed to check."

I look at him and can see him trying to take in everything he has heard.

"You still should have."

"I know and I'm sorry, I really am." I look up at him.

"How long have you known?" He asks me.

"It always just speculations, I didn't know for sure until-" I suddenly stop and look up to him, praying he didn't realise what I started to say.

Of course he did.