Falling Daisies

Chapter 22

It’s all I seemed to do now. Think.

I thought until it felt like my brain could implode.

I made my way to my room and put on some clean underwear. I found a big baggy top and threw on some sweatpants. I brushed through my hair, before piling it lazily into a wet top knot, knowing and not caring, that in the morning it would be a nightmare to control.  I looked such a slob but I failed to care. Mr and Mrs Sulk downstairs wouldn’t care what I looked like. They didn’t seem like they cared much about anything tonight.

I considered what they could have been arguing about. I considered if it would have had anything to do with me... With the confession... With Daisy’s admission... Those thoughts made me more uncomfortable and I considered the outcome if there was a sudden confrontation when we were all downstairs again.

Fuck.

How had I let this go on for seven months?

Had it really been that long? Had I honestly known Ben now for over half a year?

It didn’t feel real. It was like the past year had flown by and not stopped to let me keep up or to question my decisions. I hadn’t had time to decide if I wanted to be in love with Ben.

Life.

But then a sudden epiphany was also clear to me. As clear as anything else in my mind... I hadn’t realised the time go so fast because I had been living my life. I wasn’t merely standing on the outside looking in, observing my life like a passerby as I watched the world go on, contemplating if this was all there was. I was in the driver’s seat for once and I had decided my path and choices. There had been so much hurt but there had also been joy too. The big things might have ended badly but the little moments were great... And in the end it’s the little moments that matter, right?

I went back down the stairs and saw them before they saw me. They were together on the sofa again now. He was crying and so was she and they were embracing so tightly it was like the other was going to evaporate if not under this constant hold. They were so in love. But I was in love too...

I guess you don’t truly know love until you watch the one you love, love someone else and this was what was happening right now as I watched how he drew away and looked deep into her eyes. But if you love someone truly, you let them go. And that was what I had to do now. I had to let him go.

I didn’t want to storm in and intrude their moment and so I coughed loudly from outside, clearing my throat, allowing them time to pull apart and wipe their eyes before I came through the door. They both looked at me, they were staring hard but I couldn’t read their faces, their tears were making them unreadable.

Daisy beckoned me to sit by her on the sofa and I did. Tonight I’d do anything she asked of me.

“Thanks for letting me stay tonight Lucy; it’s really kind of you. I had a great day at the beach.” And then she hugged me.

She hugged me firmly but it felt like feathers around my body. I hugged her back, a sense of confusion at the back of my mind. The hug seemed to go far deeper than just for giving her a bed for the night and a trip to the seaside.

Was she just trying to further evoke the guilt that was already encrusted into my soul?

“I’m going to go to bed now... Goodnight...” Daisy stood to leave the room, turning around once she reached the door and giving us a little wave, before a faint smile crossed her lips and she headed up the stairs.

The room was silent but for my heartbeat which was thumping to its own jungle drum that I was sure magnified around the room.

I didn’t turn around but stood up to go, “Well it’s getting late so I think I’m going to-”