Dark On Me

Civil Tears

3 months

It seemed like it was only yesterday that Alexander said his first words.

Seemed like yesterday I was sitting in Chris and I's room, looking at a picture of the three of us, together as a family. It was one of those rare days that we were able to take a break from all the drama. We went to the beach that day. It was cold and damp out but the beach was still beautiful. It was the first time Alexander had truly been away from the house and out in the real world. By the look in his baby blue eyes, he was taken by pleasant surprise by the scenery around him. Despite the gray skies, it was a beautiful day and we ended it with a family picture on Chris's phone.

My tears were falling on the screen that held the picture. The emptiness in my heart was all to real. I felt more emptiness than any other emotion that day..especially when Alexander came waddling into the room. He was still adjusting to walking but he was getting there just fine. It seemed as if he had no problems walking at all.

That's another thing...he started walking only a few weeks after Chris was taken...something he missed in his child's developing life.

Alexander was changing, I noticed. His black hair was growing out. As a baby, he had hardly any hair but now...he had a full head. His features were becoming more pronounced. Instead of his chubby cheeks, his face was getting thinner. Instead of looking like a baby, he was growing into a toddler. At least 2 years old. His teeth were growing in so quickly. He wasn't a baby anymore...that's for sure.

I quickly wiped my tears before he could see and gave him a smile, although I wasn't really fooling him.

Alexander frowned at me and walked over to me, putting his arms up, beckoning to be held. I obliged by putting my hands underneath his arms and lifting him onto my lap. Alexander rested his little hands on my chest and looked deep into my eyes.

"Mommy...when is daddy coming home?" It was the first time I had ever heard him speak...and he chose those words...I stared at him for a moment, feeling another jab to my heart. My stomach dropped like a ton of bricks and the tears came back, falling like rivers this time.

Instead of explaining to him, I pulled him into a tight hug and cried in his little shoulder. I couldn't help myself. My son is hurting just as much as I am and there isn't nothing I can do about that. Other than keep hoping that we'll have a break through. 

That was a few weeks ago and he would ask it nearly everyday. It broke my heart a little more every time..because I did have not have the answer. I wanted to know myself so badly but I had to give Austin more time. I have to give this all more time, even though I wanted him home and I wanted him home right now.

Everyday was the same routine. Get up in the morning, put on a fake smile for the children and make sure that they were taken care of. That was my appointed roll. Jayy and Dahvie decided to move in with us to make the children safer. So while they worked to find new leads, I was making sure the children were taken care of. Elizabeth Rose pretty much took care of herself so it was easier than I thought. Alexander was becoming independent too. He was able to feed himself as long as I made the food, he was able to dress himself as long as I picked out the clothes. He was needing me less and less. It was saddening yet it was amazing at the same time.

While I took care of the children, Austin took care of everything else. Making sure that we had everything we needed, protection around the clock while looking for ways to eliminate the Arcane or at least get it out of Chris. Also looking for the third party in Kellin and Ashley's little coup. He really did take on the role of Chris. But the only problem was, is that he wasn't Chris.