At love’s beck and call
Love goes through many stages. Phases that are amazing, surprising, and profound. And I’m grateful that I’m living through mine with the love of my life.
Li and I are going through love’s stages…changes that were particularly hard these past couple of days. I’ve only been away two weeks into what’s supposedly a two-month time away to do work in Singapore. Those two weeks were the most difficult I endured in my life thus far. So hard that I felt changes in my body I wasn’t expecting. Like I couldn’t stop thinking about Lian. I’m organized but all over the place. The food, no matter how vibrant and well-seasoned, didn’t taste right. The air felt stale and heavy. And I couldn’t help the unsteady beating of my heart during those first few nights; like a part of me was hurting inside and I didn’t understand why. I just was.
We kept our communication, and slowly I got to realizing that I have to get used to being alone for a while. And that being alone is going to make me feel strange things in my body because it’s adjusting to being alone. I kept telling myself that it’s only for a couple months. And that I’d be okay cos I’m a grown, bearded man. But sometimes our minds trick us into thinking we’re okay when we’re not. I guess that’s why our brain is a step higher in our anatomy because it’s a trickster, and our heart is much closer to our core because it’s pure, and in our core is where our pleasure centers are, you know, the fuzzy feelings (most of my pleasure centers are teeming in my groin, but I do have pleasure centers in my heart too) because when it comes to intense feelings and emotions, we don’t feel them on top of our head. We feel them at our center…where they hurt. Our brain is numb to feelings no matter how much we rationalize them. Feelings will always be in our hearts.
I remember my first night in Singapore, and how empty I felt inside my hotel room. Alone. No Lian. No cute little boy to make me smile. No little angel to hug me. No sexpot to cuddle. No warm body in my arms as I breathe. None. And it was strange. So strange, because for the first time I felt a different kind of emptiness and I didn’t have a name for it. I mean, I could see happiness all around me, reflected in the faces of people, in the colorful street lights, the tall skyscrapers, the five dollar meals with the free-flowing drinks and ice cream in select places if you know where to look. I practically devoured food left and right in every joint I visited. But I dunno. I felt so disconnected somehow. I can’t describe it. I love Singapore. I’ve been loving it for years now. But for some reason, this year, I felt a totally different vibe. Heh, I guess it’s true what they say about leaving your partner behind. You leave them physically, but the emotions come to follow you no matter where you are.
I think it was only on the third day that I felt the tension ease away from my body. I was adapting into my solitary space without Li by my side. I believe he was too, because he’s enjoying being the man of the house and looking after our bitches (our three dogs, one of which is named Ochinchin, which is Japanese for penis ^^ LOL!! Yeah, I’m shi-cray like that) Hihi.
Hmm, the slight pinch of anxiety never did go away no matter how much I steeled my spine or willed myself to concentrate. I wasn’t like this in my past relationships. I never held anyone as precious as Lian. He’s the first person I held with so much value, so much importance, so much meaning, and so much love that I have no words to describe the feeling. All I know is the farther I’m away from him, the more I feel this gnawing ache in my heart, in my soul. And it’s a very strong feeling that at one point it brought tears to my eyes, made my jaw ache, gave me shivers. It’s indescribable. It’s a very emotional feeling.
All I could think about was Li. My mind, body, soul, spirit, and every fiber of my being was calling out to him, yearning for the warmth of his presence, his touch, his proximity, his love, his warm body (I’m a very horny man. I think it’s my curse. I probably was a manho in my past life. Yeah, most definitely ^^)
